The Gentle Music of a Bygone Age, by Matthew Clarke (my fan fiction)

This story is inspired by the above painting, The Gentle Music of a Bygone Age, by John Melhuish Strudwick.

Three young Gallifreyan women, all students at the academy gathered in an ancient room within the Prydonian academy to recite the ancient songs of their race. They sat on antiquated chairs, as old as the room itself, carved with depictions of the heroes of the Old Times, along with angelic Eternals and horrible beasts of legend. They wore the robes and sandals that would have been worn by maidens of the Old Times. One of them sang, the other two played on ancient Gallifreyan harps.

Their songs told the story of the Time Lords. They sang of the greatness of the Gallifreyan empire, forged when the universe was so young. They sang of Sphinxes and other great and terrible beasts. They lamented the passing of the Pythia. They praised the greatness of Rassilon who brought the great enlightenment, who banished chaos and mastered time. They mourned for Omega who had passed away into shadow. They sang of the Other whose work made the mastery of time a reality. They sang of long, terrible wars now forgotten and of the unknown horrors faced by Rassilon. They sang of the founding of the worshipful law of Gallifrey and the establishment of the Great Houses.

As Romana sang these ancient ballads, tears came to her eyes. Something in her heart yearned for the glory days of the Old Times. She knew that those days were lost forever. The universe was no longer young.

Gallifrey was no longer the place it was. Where once there was nobility, now there was corruption. Where once there was pride, now there was intrigue. Where once there was glory, now there was indifference. It broke Romana's heart to know how much had been lost.

Alien Bodies, by Lawrence Miles (BBC novel)

"That mask shouldn't exist in this timeline. You see how dangerous they are? Even their headgear breaks the Laws of Time. Even their headgear."

Alien Bodies was the first Lawrence Miles novel I read and, aside from the About Time guides, it was this book that made me the Lawrence Miles devotee that I am.

There is a really unsettling vibe about Alien Bodies. It does not feel like reading a typical Doctor Who novel. There is an overwhelming sense that the book is shaking up the whole mythos of Doctor Who. Just as the New Adventure novels Timewyrm: Revelation and Cat's Cradle: Warhead completely altered the paradigm of Doctor Who in the Virgin range, Alien Bodies completely alters the horizon of Doctor Who within the BBC books.

The Big Idea that Lawrence Miles introduces here is to consider the future of the Time Lords. We occasionally see them in the present and we know a fair bit about their history, but what is going to happen to them in the future? Hence, we get this new story arc about a massive war with some unknown enemy. Keeping the identity of the Enemy secret was a great idea. The whole war reminds me quite a bit of the Mysterons' war of nerves against Earth in Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons. Lawrence Miles shows his talent at world-building by offering us glimpses of a future Time Lord society, as well as new ideas like the Celestis, Mictalan, Faction Paradox and the sentient, humanoid TARDIS. While I am more interested in the War than in Faction Paradox, I think the way Faction Paradox are presented is brilliant. They are so playful and seductive. I was horrified by the way Stephen Cole and Peter Angheliades ruined Faction Paradox in The Ancestor Cell, turning them into a grotesque bunch of walking corpses that nobody in their right mind would want to join. In fact, pretty much everything which Miles introduced in Alien Bodies was retro-erased out of the BBC books in The Ancestor Cell. No wonder the chap has a bit of a grudge.

Lawrence Miles has never been great at coming up with tightly written plots. Not a huge amount happens in this book. A group of people from various factions arrives at an auction to obtain a mysterious artifact. None of them have a big evil plan that needs to be thwarted. That does not matter, however, it is the way that Miles presents the characters that is interesting. Homunculette the Time Lord and his TARDIS/ Companion, Marie is simply glorious. It is such a shame that he only made one brief re-appearance in The Taking of Planet 5. Alien Bodies has something of a resemblance to Canterbury Tales in the way that it offers an interesting backstory for each of the main characters. Miles gives a great portrayal of the Eighth Doctor. He also makes Sam quite an interesting character, though all the stuff about the two alternate Sams is a bit confusing.

Alien Bodies teases us by letting us think that the Daleks are going to get involved in proceedings. Instead, we are left disturbed by the description of Daleks slaughtered by Krotons. If ever their was a Doctor Who monster in need of rehabilitation, it was the Krotons. Miles gives some brilliant descriptions of the Kroton race, both of their background and modus operandi. Although the characters in the book regard them as a bit silly, they are shown to be very sinister and disturbing creatures.

One significant difference from other Lawrence Miles novels is the lack of intellectual discourse about culture, philosophy or politics. This is a novel that is all about the Doctor and the universe in which he operates. Miles does not allow himself to be distracted by his intellectual interests. Alien Bodies is not the best Doctor Who novel ever written and to my mind, Dead Romance is the better Lawrence Miles novel, nevertheless, it is a major landmark in the Doctor Who canon.

The Curse of the Black Spot

When I heard that the current series was doing a pseudo-historical about pirates, I felt a strong sense of deja vu. The BBC Wales series has done quite a few pseudo-historicals. For a number of reasons, Doctor Who abandoned real historicals since the 1960s (Black Orchid is only vaguely an historical). The pseudo-historical has become the semi-regular replacement. The big problem with pseudo-historicals is that there are even less narrative options than there are for historicals.

There are basically three kinds of stories you can do as historicals- 1) The TARDIS crew get separated (and usually at least one of them becomes a slave or joins an harem), 2) one of the TARDIS crew attempts to change history or 3) the TARDIS crew have fun becoming involved in a comic send-up of historical events. With pseudo-historicals you have only two story options- 1) a bad alien is interfering in human history or 2) a good alien is interfering in human history.

Pseudo-historicals are fundamentally artificial. It makes sense that sometimes the TARDIS goes back in time to earth's past, but it is absurd that every time it does, the Doctor and companions meet an alien life form. It becomes completely silly if there is an alien hiding in every corner of human history. If the Doctor Who production team want to keep doing historical stories, sooner or later they really need to take the risk of doing one without any aliens. It would be a risk with the general viewers, but it needs to be attempted.

The Curse of the Black Spot feels like it is just a countdown to an explanation of what the alien life form is up to. It is a join the dots Doctor Who story.

The Siren looked great. I have something of a liking for the idea of sirens and mermaids. I'm not even altogether convinced that mermaids don't exist. Why did it have to be an alien? I know that is what Doctor Who does usually, but it would be so much more interesting if it turned out that bona fide mermaids existed in the Doctor Who universe. One of the things I loved about State of Decay was that the vampires in that story turned out to be not space aliens, but something much more mysterious. The idea of people getting a black mark and being doomed is a very scary one that would have worked well. The problem was that the fast pace meant that there was no time for any sense of horror.

Captain Avery and his crew were a disappointment. They were such a boring lot and there was little sense that they were a gang of vicious killers. We are also left with the unbelievable notion that they can learn how to crew an alien starship in another universe without any training. An awful lot of the direction is really poor. The scene where the Doctor is made to walk the plank is a mess. The resuscitation scene was horribly melodramatic. We might wonder that the Doctor might not be better equipped to resuscitate Rory.

Matt Smith redeems things a little by giving a fantastic performance as the Doctor. He adds a wonderful subtlety to his delivery of his more comic lines.

I do find it surprising that Amy is so willing to accept that she cannot tell the Doctor about his impending death. She has been told by River that if she gives it away it will cause a temporal paradox, but I am not sure she would understand why that would be bad (I am not sure that I would either). After all, she has seen the Doctor mess about with time before.

Aside from the visual look of the Siren, there was one other thing I liked about The Curse of the Black Spot. This was the nod to The Stones of Blood, one of my favorite stories ever. We have an alien ship with a dead crew stranded in a parallel dimension which contained a green-skinned female alien. All that was missing was the Siren's lesbian lady friend to share sausage sandwiches with.

Dr. Who in Fairyland, by Matthew Clarke (my fan fiction)

I wanted to capture something of the whimsical nature of the First Doctor TV Comic adventures, yet also to tie it to later Doctor Who concepts.

These fairies are not scary, freaky fairies like you might find in a Neil Gaiman book. They are old-fashioned, Victorian-style cute fairies.


Meeting Santa Claus and the Pied Piper was one thing, but being in Fairyland was definitely another.

Fairyland was another universe altogether, with quite different properties from the one the TARDIS was used to. It was quite remarkable that the ship had been able to enter it at all.

Being in Fairyland felt very different from being on an alien planet; something seemed quite wrong with everything; as though the visible world was a highly stylised painting rather than the real world. John and Gillian could see colours that they could not describe in words. The proportions of the place seemed wrong. The trees seemed to be of normal height, but they grew next to enormous flowers and colossal toadstools. It seemed to be night, for the sky was full of stars, yet they seemed so bright that it might as well have been day.

Dr. Who and his two grandchildren were seated inside the Grand Palace of Fairyland; though inside seemed a meaningless concept. The palace subverted the normal concepts of indoors and outdoors. It was made up of pillars, canopies, marquees and walkways that seemed to intersect with the trees of the forest themselves and open out into the starlit air. At times they seemed to be 'inside' and at other times 'outside.'

Gillian had once owned a copy of Cicely Mary Baker's 'Flower Fairies of the Garden.' She could not help being reminded of it when she looked at the creatures who surrounded her. They had massive butterfly (or in some cases, moth-like wings). Their skin was pale, almost slightly transparent. Their faces were pretty and they had long, pointed ears. Perhaps their most disconcerting feature was the insectoid antenna that sprouted from their heads. All of them had long silvery hair. They wore long tunics of a silky material. Some of them decorated themselves with silver jewellery, others with flowers or even lengths of cobweb. All of them were barefoot. At times they walked upon the palace/forest ground, at other times they flew about on their insectoid wings. John and Gillian found it impossible to tell which of the Fairies were male and which were female.

"I had never realised that fairies existed!" exclaimed John.

His grandfather shouted at him, "Stop it! Do you realised every time you say that a fairy dies!"

Gillian was horrified. "Oh no, Grandfather," she cried. "That's terrible!"

Dr. Who chuckled. "I was only joking my dear child. Fairies don't exist? Hmmm. Well, you know better now."

The Fairies prepared for the three travellers a quite remarkable feast. John and Gillian were quite unable to identify what most of the dishes were, barring the odd plate of fish or fruit. Their grandfather suggested to them that it might be best not to enquire too deeply into what was on the plates. He neglected to mention that the over sized insects of Fairyland were a massive part of the Fairy diet.

While they were being served, Dr. Who took the opportunity to give his two grandchildren a lesson in cosmology. He explained to them about the six-fold realm of time and space, of Ur-space, the sea in which the multitude of universes floated and of the mysterious Guardians, the celestial powers that governed the multiverse. He explained that Fairyland was a pocket universe, a separate dimension which intersected with their universe. He pointed out that their was another pocket universe from which unimaginably horrifying beings had come, creatures that had been vanquished by the Time Lords a long time ago.

Dr. Who noticed that the assembled lords and ladies of Fairyland seemed as fascinated by his lecture as his grandchildren were. He continued, explaining how the Time Lords had fought against forces of chaos when the universe was young, destroying some of them and banishing others. The universe had been re-ordered by the Time Lords and history directed along the lines of reason demanded by their great hero, Rassilon. Rassilon had reached an agreement with the Fairies, allowing them a limited ability to interact with the normal universe on condition that they resided in Fairyland and stayed there for the most part.

The conversation soon shifted to lighter topics, such as hunts and flowers and stars. John and Gillian enquired about the animals that lived in Fairyland, and were fascinated to learn about dragons, unicorns and giant butterflies.

The meal was followed by much music and dancing, with the Fairies singing and playing on instruments that resembled harps. The TARDIS crew were invited to join in their dances, though this proved difficult, as the Fairies involved flight in their dancing.

During the festivities, the Fairy King (he looked as beautiful as his queen) took Dr. Who to one side to talk in serious matters.

"Doctor, we have accepted the Time Lords dominance of your universe for a long time, but we grow weary of it. We have watched as the Time Lords have allowed great evils to go unchecked throughout the cosmos. There are many among the Elder Folk who feel that it is time that we tore up our treaty with Rassilon. There are voices in Fairyland that are calling for war against the Time Lords," said the Fairy King.

"A War in Heaven, what a terrifying thought," replied the Doctor. "I don't mind admitting that the thought makes me very afraid."

"You Time Lords travel in time, to us time is meaningless. If war comes between ourselves and the Time Lords, it will be a time war, perhaps a war that will end your very notion of time," said the Fairy King.

"Maybe so, maybe so," replied Dr. Who. "I don't doubt that you people have terrible powers. Nevertheless, I would be careful you don't go thinking that you would win a war in heaven. I fear that the Time Lords have it in them tear Fairyland apart if it came to that."

"Let it be hoped that it does not come to that," said the Fairy King. "Perhaps you can warn the Time Lords that the eyes of the Elder Ones are upon them. We will not suffer their misrule forever."


It was soon time for the TARDIS crew to take their leave of Fairyland and to return to the normal universe. They were given rich gifts, some of the strange food and bottles of equally strange wine. John was given a sword made of some silvery metal and Gillian was given a bow and arrows made of the same stuff. Both of them were given the silky tunics that the Fairies wore, though John did not seem as enthusiastic about this gift as Gillian.

"We hope that one day you will return," said the Fairy Queen. "There is much that we could learn from your race." The Fairy King looked sadly at her as she said this.

After the TARDIS dematerialised, Dr. Who pondered on the solemn warnings the Fairy King had given him. Would the Fairies really go to war with the Time Lords? He knew that despite their benign appearance, the Fairies had terrifying military capabilities. If they had fought against Rassilon in the Eternal War, it was not certain who would have prevailed. Were the Fairies really prepared to unleash a four-dimensional war on the cosmos?

Millennial Rites, by Craig Hintom (Virgin Missing Adventure)

"Anne placed the glass on the table. 'Yog-Sothoth? Now why does that sound familiar?'

'It's the Intelligence's real name and it crops up in certain arcane literature from time to time. Over the billennia, he mounted thousands- millions- of campaigns against inhabited planets, trying out the gambits and games that he had played on computers in his previous existence. On Hiskith, he chose to use the Hiskith version of Koala bears to invade; on Danos, domestic animals- like dogs- were the vanguard. And on earth, well the Intelligence seemed to have a fondness for Tibet and the Yeti.' The Doctor held up his hands. 'Don't ask me why. Perhaps some childhood teddy-bear fetish.'"

I quite like Millennial Rites. It is hardly the greatest Doctor Who novel, but it is enjoyable and is easily better than his later Sixth Doctor novel, The Quantum Archangel. Two factors made me want to read it; the influence of Lovecraft (this is thematic, rather than stylistic) and the fact that it dates UNIT to the 1980s, contrary to other Virgin novels.

Millennial Rites has been criticised for all the heavy continuity stuff with Anne Travers and the Great Intelligence. This misses the point. It actually plays a trick on the unknowing reader, letting them think that this is a sequel to Web of Fear, with the Great Intelligence behind it all, when in fact the alien menace is something else entirely. Anne Travers herself is portrayed in typically grim Virgin fashion as an angry and embittered woman. I don't have a problem with that; why should everyone always be grateful to the Doctor? I am a bit annoyed that Hinton kills her off at the end though (why do Virgin writers have to do that?).

Things get very weird when reality is reshaped and London turns into a place resembling an hybrid of a Michael Moorcock novel and Warhammer 40K. The main characters all take on important roles in this bizarre role-playing game style world. It is quite a clever idea.

Craig Hinton does a good job of portraying the Sixth Doctor. Of course, he brings up all that stuff about the Valeyard. It is good, but personally I am a bit sceptical of the claim that the Valeyard really is the Doctor. I suppose I shouldn't be, being a broad canonist (the novels and audios mostly seem to take the claim at face value), but I just feel it is too bonkers an idea to be assumed as truth.

Mel is brilliant in this book. She gets a much needed rehabilitation. She is presented as cheerful and moralistic, but also clever and resourceful. She is very much like the Mel we see in the audio, The Juggernauts. The minor characters have something of a soap opera quality, though they are well-rounded.

The reference to Rachel Jensen in Remembrance of the Daleks peaked my obsessive fannish side, not least because I consider her to be the most sexy character to have appeared in Doctor Who (including that Burberry-clad chav, Romana I). We are told that Anne Travers replaced Jensen as scientific advisor to the cabinet in the 1980s. This surprised me because Jensen was talking about retiring and growing Begonias in Remembrance and I assumed that she was in her late forties or early fifties in 1963. More recently I read John Peel's novel War of the Daleks that states that Rachel Jensen was in her mid-thirties in 1963. While that age description makes her talk of retiring in Remembrance of the Daleks odd (perhaps she was married and could live off her husband's income?) does fit better with the idea of her being scientific advisor to the cabinet in the early 80s. I can't believe it, this is the longest paragraph in this review- you can see where my priorities are. Anyway, Millennial Rites is a good novel.

The Superman, by Matthew Clarke (my fan fiction)

Another story about Big Finish character Elizabeth Klein. This is set between A Thousand Tiny Wings and Survival of the Fittest.


The Doctor busied himself making a pot of tea. In the complexity of his machinations, the simple task of making tea was always a great relief.

Klein entered the room. Things were rapidly about to become more complex. They always were when she was around.

Klein wore a cardigan and wool skirt. As she usually did in the TARDIS, she was wearing her slippers. For a moment, the Doctor was reminded of his old companion, Barbara. Like all his fellow travellers, Klein had spent time rummaging in the vast wardrobe on the TARDIS. She tended to pick out very conservative outfits. The Doctor wondered how he would interact with Klein if she were in the habit of wearing some hideous Nazi uniform. He suspected that might make the relationship simpler. Everybody knew that Nazis wore sleek uniforms and big jackboots; it was rather more disconcerting to deal with a Nazi wearing a cardigan and slippers. Klein was not some cartoon Gestapo officer but a flesh and blood human being who held to poisonous ideals.

"You're just in time for tea, Klein. Won't you have a cup?" the Doctor offered.

"Yes, I will indeed. You are always such a British gentleman, Herr Doctor," she replied. The Doctor poured her a cup of hot and steaming tea. He passed her a bowl of sugar, which she declined ('can't ever be seen to be sweet,' he thought to himself).

Klein placed a large and dusty book on the table. It was a book he had not seen for some time. It was bound in black leather and marked '500 Year Diary.'

"Doctor, I found this dusty old book in one of the rooms in your impossibly vast TARDIS. I was quite intrigued as to how one could record five hundred years of events in any detail. It seems to be have more pages in it than it appears, much like your ship has such a surprisingly vast interior. I found a lot of the diary rather perplexing, but many entries were very enlightening; not that I have read all of it," said Klein.

The Doctor frowned. "Many people would consider it a great offence to have somebody looking in their diary. It might be fair to say that you are spying on me."

Klein laughed. "Of course I am spying on you, Herr Doctor. I agreed to travel with you. I would never have agreed not to peer into your secrets."

"And what secrets have you discovered in my diary?" he asked.

"As I said, much of it was perplexing. Nevertheless, skimming through, I did find some interesting references to a race of creatures called Androgums," she replied.

"Ah, Androgums," repeated the Doctor.

"You made several notes about the biology of Androgums, which I was fascinated to discover was not dissimilar to that of humans. I was much more interested to read your opinions of them as a species. You wrote: 'Androgums are a monstrous race. Ever killing and eating. They are a menace to the entire cosmos. These subhumans must be wiped out.' It appears that at some time you destroyed several Androgum colonies, killing all the inhabitants; not to mention killing individual Androgums on occasions," Klein said with a gleeful smile.

The Doctor groaned. Of all the things that Klein could discover that might make him look bad, this was one of them. He had made those notes during his second incarnation, in the period when he was put on probation by the Time Lords, after his trial. It had been a strange time. He had become particularly aggressive in that period, actively seeking out monsters to destroy them. He hoped Klein had not discovered his embarrassing secrets about that time; his introducing himself as Dr. Who and carrying a ray gun in his superhero-like utility belt. He rather hoped to forget about those days, even if he did miss his grandchildren, John and Gillian.

"Your actions don't seem that different to what any of the leaders of the Third Reich would do," Klein continued. "You identified the Androgum race as a menace and set out to eradicate them. I refer you to another entry I found in your '500 Year Diary.' The Macra. It seems that you eradicated an entire colony of Macra. The entry states that you knew very little about them. It is quite clear that you prepared to engage in genocide when you feel it is warranted, Herr Doctor."

The Doctor knew this information was embarrassing, but he felt no regret for the actions of his past self. He pulled the snarling face that he always used when he wanted to appear angry. "Klein, I travel in time and space. Throughout 900 years, I have dealt with terrors and threats that you cannot begin to understand. I have to make life and death decisions that could affect the life of countless millions throughout eternity. Can you even imagine that responsibility? Sometimes I have to make shocking decisions. Yes, I killed a lot of Macra. I have since learned that they were swarming from planet to planet, building themselves an empire based on slave labour. My decision has been proven to be right. The Androgums were hideous creatures. Their appetite for butchery brought destruction on themselves. In some situations I used deadly force against them. There are people who have been shocked by my decisions. Did you know they call me the Bringer of Darkness? I have done things that seem terrible, but I did them out of a sense of justice."

The Doctor was surprised by Klein's reaction. She smiled in admiration as though she were about to burst into applause. He continued. "Don't dare to compare me to your precious Third Reich. The peoples that they slaughtered, Jews, Gypsies and Slavs were no threat. They were the victims of irrational fears and prejudices built up over centuries. When I killed creatures it was because they really were monsters- creatures bred in the dark corners of the universe, bent on destroying any other life. I always investigated the situation and only took action when I saw fit."

"When you saw fit," repeated Klein. "I admire you more than ever, Doctor. Do you know why? Because you are a fascist! You see a universe in chaos and you strive to bring order to it. You have strength and purpose of will. You are unrelenting and will do anything to destroy the monsters you fight. In fact you are not only a fascist, you are a superman! You are Nietzsche's superman personified! You are the lone hero who turns chaos to order. You are the outsider who brings leadership to the weak masses. As you said, you are the only one who knows how to make the decisions that affect the destiny of worlds. If you could only drop your hypocrisy of standing on the high moral ground, you could have ultimate power."

The Doctor had to admit that Klein had a point. "There is something in what you say, Klein. But a part of leadership is self-knowledge and honesty. At times I have gone to far in my schemes and plans. You remember my companion, Ace? She was young when she met you. I pushed her too far in my power games. I forgot about the responsibility that comes with power. She is an older woman now and has never forgiven me for how I used her."

Klein sneered. "She was a soldier and she had a duty to follow you. You are a fool to be steered by such scruples. I'm sure it would be interesting to meet Fraulein McShane again, but I doubt she would be too delighted. We must save the discussion for another time, Herr Doctor. I feel I need to take a swim in your pool." With that Klein left the room, leaving the Doctor once again to his deep thoughts.

These endless intellectual games that he played with that woman! How long would they be constantly trying to outwit each other and prove the validity of their worldview? Klein seemed to raise her game with each intellectual maneuver.

The Doctor knew Klein was right. He was a superman and perhaps also a fascist. It was his heritage as a Time Lord. If Klein knew of Rassilon, she would have worshipped him in admiration. He was the ultimate fascist. He had taken on the leadership of his people, mastered the power of time travel, vanquished their enemies in the terrible wars of heaven and altered the destiny of the universe forever. He knew he was heir to Rassilon. He was Time's Champion, the all-conquering hero who stood alone against the horrors of the cosmos. This was his lonely task.

Season 16

Season 16 is one of my favorite seasons of Doctor Who. Fans have mixed opinions about it, but it is definitely better regarded than the other two Graham Williams' seasons.

Season 16 is distinctive in that each serial is united by the overarching theme of the quest to recover the cosmic 'Key to Time,' a quest that the Doctor is sent on by the god-like White Guardian. He is opposed in this by the Black Guardian, who does not appear until the last episode. Oddly, this story arc is the weakest element in Season 16 and is a demonstrative example of how Doctor Who is not good at story arcs. The six serials vary enormously in the importance they attach to the quest for the Key. Androids of Tara hilariously sends up the whole idea, with the Doctor preferring to go fishing and leaving it to Romana to locate the Key within the first few minutes of the story. At the conclusion of the season, it is quite unclear how the finding of the Key to Time was significant, as the Doctor has its components scattered across the universe again. There are good reasons for thinking that the whole quest had actually been a set up by the Black Guardian. The current production team are in my judgment making a huge mistake in making story arcs so central to the show.

The Key to Time arc is actually a distraction from the real character of Season 16. In my opinion, this is one of the most adult seasons of Doctor Who. It places less importance on monsters and instead offers some really sophisticated scripts. The light-hearted tone offers some really comic moments. The other adult aspect of this season are the veiled references to sex; the 'certain kindnesses' in Androids of Tara and the very obvious lesbian subtext of Stones of Blood.

Although Season 16 is ostensibly about searching for an object that it is vital to the stability of the cosmos, the individual serials of this season are allowed to deal with more small scale themes. The Ribos Operation is about crooks and petty dictators, Androids of Tara is about feuding nobleman and Stones of Blood is about an escaped convict (who appears to just want to live a quiet life, eating sausage sandwiches with her lady friend). There is a distinct lack of alien invasions or machines that could tear a hole in the fabric of time and space. The current production team could really do with a story like Androids of Tara; a nicely produced adventure story without any grand cosmic proportions.

Season 16 saw the introduction of new companion Romana. In this season she was played by Mary Tamm, an attractive actress of Estonian extraction (I am told that she is famous in Estonia, and rightly so). Romana was a radically new kind of companion in that she was a Time Lord and therefore an equal to the Doctor. In this season, she had a delightfully frictitous relationship with him. Her upper class bearing made a great contrast with the Fourth Doctor's image as a sort of cosmic trade unionist. At times the Mary Tamm Romana showed some resemblance to Margo Leadbetter in The Good Life. Like her, Romana had a great flair for style and wore some quite eye catching outfits.

Mary Tamm was a much more talented actress than her successor to the role, Lalla Ward. However, there were occasional moments where one might doubt how seriously she was taking the role. Towards the end of her time on the show, she seems completely unenthusiastic about the part. The real problem was that the writers were not used to writing for a character like Romana and so fell back on the easy route of making her an old-fashioned damsel in distress. It was left to Lalla Ward to develop the character further in the next two seasons.

Unfortunately, K9 remained with the TARDIS crew this season and proved to be a continued to be an irritation and also a get-out-of-jail card for writers. He had been more tolerable with Leela, but placed with Romana, we had the irritation of three very clever people on board the TARDIS. This was a little too much.


The Ribos Operation 10/10- A brilliant story of double-dealing and small-time villainy with a script of almost Shakespearean wit. Ribos is a beautifully conceived world with a distinctive Muscovite look.

The Pirate Planet 7/10- Some great humour and wonderful performances, but let down by some poorly realised ideas.

The Stones of Blood 8/10- Despised by many fans, I adore this story. It's one of my favorites. The plot has many weak points, but I just love the way it subverts many of the conventions of Doctor Who. Romana looks ravishing in her Burberry cap!

The Androids of Tara 10/10- It's set on another planet and has androids, but it feels like an historical drama. A wonderful light-hearted adventure. There is no other Dr.Who story like it.

The Power of Kroll 4/10- When I reviewed this story on this blog, I tried to defend it. I don't bother any more. The more times I watch it, the more noticeable its faults become. Romana's potential is utterly wasted in this story.

Armageddon Factor 5/10- A very disappointing conclusion to a great season. There is some wonderful dialogue and brilliant performances, but Doctor Who has never looked so cheap. Lalla Ward first appears in the role, not of Romana, but as Princess Astra. She is not very impressive.

Lawrence Miles on the Moffat producership

Lawrence Miles' Doctor Who Thing: Cheap Shot Redux

So if it isn't really doing anything for the children who keep appearing in it, then where's Doctor Who really being aimed...? The answer's even more obvious than it was a year ago: this is Twilight with time-travel, more interested in the Doctor's love-life than in going anywhere outside the sci-fi comfort zone. That's "sci-fi" in the sense of "sci-fi TV", naturally, not the good kind. We recall that Moffat refuses to read SF literature, which he considers saa-aad. This is why the new series is filled with all the clichés that a mid-'90s geek would like: Area 51, "tragic" Doctor-driven story-arcs, mysterious lovers who manage to be both two-dimensional and transdimensional, plus - inevitably - Neil sodding Gaiman.

Call me a Lawrence Miles sycophant if you like, but I think he always hits the nail on the head when it comes to Doctor Who. He is able to see everything that is wrong with Doctor Who at the moment.

Day of the Moon

Can we all stop pretending this is Doctor Who? It's not. It's Lost, X-Files, Dollhouse or some other tedious American science fiction program pretending to be Doctor Who. RT Davies did a lot of things in Doctor Who that were wrong and messed up, but this Moffat stuff does not even seem to be trying to be Doctor Who. This is basically a new show.

Very little of what took place in the previous episode was resolved. What we instead get is more elements added; the stuff about Amy's child, the child regenerating, the mysterious eye-patched woman and the Doctor getting more physical with River Song. Just an increasingly complex set of story arcs just like we used to get in the X-Files.

Frankly, I don't care who River Song is, I don't care about Amy's baby or about any other story arc they want to introduce. However these things are played out, they will only give us one or two minutes of satisfaction when they are resolved and will probably be rather disappointing. I don't want to watch Lost. I want to watch Doctor Who, which is about the Doctor having adventures in time and space. It's not a show about River Song or Amy or any more irritating characters with big pointless story arcs that Moffat wants to inflict on us.

One of the things I love about Doctor Who is that the Doctor is a mysterious character. The show has always left us in the dark about him a good deal. We don't have to follow some complex story arc to find out the clues as to how he came to leave Gallifrey and who Susan's mother is because the show has never bothered too explain all this. We are left free to fill in the gaps with our imagination. I choose to believe that the Doctor's children were destroyed by Fenric. That's my personal non-canonical spin on it. I particularly liked the Cartmel era because of the way it dropped mysterious hints about the Doctor's identity. These hints would completely throw one's perspective on him, but they were not really part of some big unfolding story arc. The New Adventure Lungbarrow by Marc Platt made the mistake of turning the hints into a big revelation which ended up being rather a disappointment.

The fact that the Doctor is a mysterious character means that you can put him with companions who are relatively ordinary and who can be a counterweight to his esoteric person. In contrast, Moffat seems to be taking away our attention away from the Doctor and on to the supporting characters. He wants to give them all big, earthshaking storylines. Unfortunately, the show is not supposed to be about them.

The focus on story arcs has the tendency to trivialize the individual episode stories. The one or two episode nature of the BBC Wales series means that the individual stories are somewhat ephemeral already, but with so much attention being devoted to story arcs, they are further sidelined. This is very clearly seen in Day of the Moon. How much attention in that story was given to the Silence? What were their motivations? What were they actually doing? They appear in the first episode and then get defeated remarkably promptly in the next without us really learning anything about them. What we do learn is pretty unoriginal- they have been interfering in human history for thousands of years. Put them on the list, along with the Osirians, the Daemons and the Jaggoroth.

The opening of this episode is really annoying. We are treated yet again to the apparent deaths of the regulars. Moffat is rapidly proving that he is a one-trick pony, if we were not already aware.

On the positive, we get some great performances here. It is remarkable how variable Matt Smith can be. In the previous episode, his performance just did not fit the tone of the story. Yet in the very next episode he is quite stunning and fits the mood perfectly. He is a very hit and miss Doctor. All of the regulars shine in this one, even if Arthur Darvill seems uncomfortable in some of the scenes. I was also impressed by Kerry Shale as the mentally broken Dr. Renfrew.

This is mildly entertaining television, but it lacks everything that I love about Doctor Who. At least we get a nice reference to Warriors' Gate with the dwarf star alloy.

Morgaine takes a Shower, by Matthew Clarke (my fan fiction)

You can't do a 'Girls in prison' series without a shower scene; it's pretty much obligatory. I think this is pretty inoffensive. Read whatever subtext you like into it.

Madeleine Issigri is of course from The Space Pirates.


Ganymede Correctional Facility, 2191

Twelve inmates stood naked in the sonic shower, their skin prickling and shuddering as the dirt on their bodies formed into fine dust and fell off. They were all human females. There were a few non-human inmates in the prison, Draconians, Alpha Centauri (being hermaphrodites, Alpha Centauri could be found in both male and female prisons), Kleptons and Earth Reptiles (calling them Silurians, Eocenes, or Sea Devils was the height of political incorrectness), but they showered separately from the other inmates.

Morgaine glanced at her cellmate Madeleine. Madeleine always seemed uncomfortable standing naked with the other women in the prison. She was an attractive woman, but she had allowed herself to get flabby during her incarceration. She had also lived a life of privilege before her arrest. Communal showers were something she found hard to get used to. 'She should have thought about that before she fell in with pirates,' thought Morgaine to herself. In her opinion, Madeleine should count herself lucky. In the Thirteen Worlds she had ruled, friends of pirates were always executed. Having to shower with other women and wear a yellow prison uniform seemed a rather light punishment. Morgaine liked her cellmate and counted her as a friend, but she looked down on her as one lacking in nobility. Madeleine was a merchant and a merchant's daughter. As a warrior and a queen, Morgaine had an instinctive distaste for merchants.

Morgaine had no discomfort at being naked in front of the other prison women. It rather reminded her of bathing in the crystal clear lakes of her world with her handmaidens. The penalty was death for any man who dared to behold Morgaine and her maidens washing. Morgaine missed her handmaidens. They were so pretty; chosen from the fairest girls of all her Thirteen Worlds. She shared her bedchamber with all of them. Naturally, being Battle Queen of the S'rax, she always won at pillow fights.

Morgaine liked to flaunt her body before the other inmates. She spent a lot of time in the prison gym keeping it in shape. Her form was strong and muscular, but she had an impressive bust that would make any supermodel envious.

She regretted being a little short. This was especially an inconvenience in prison, where flip flops were the only footwear permitted. Her armoured boots had always helped to give her a boost. Nevertheless, she had always made up for her lack of height by the magnificence of her presence. Her sheer confidence seemed to add a kind of magical glamour, No doubt it owed a lot to the blood of the Elder Folk that flowed through her veins. All of the other prisoners admired and feared her. She might no longer be Battle Queen of the S'rax and Dominator of Thirteen Worlds, but in this joint she was top bitch and every other inmate knew it well.

The sonic shower stopped and the inmates moved, shivering, towards where they had left their yellow prison pyjamas.

"Morgaine, stop prancing around and get your clothes on. I want you back in your cell in two minutes!" shouted a voice. It was the short guard with the long dark hair. The one that seemed to have it in for her.

"Whatever you say, miss," Morgaine snapped in reply. This petty mortal woman could shout at her all she liked. One day she would be old and shrivelled, but she would ever be Ageless and Deathless Morgaine.