Crossover Klein

I asked Sylvant to draw Elizabeth Klein having coffee with Cigarette Smoking Man from The X-Files. This is based on a crossover fan fiction I wrote. I think he did a fantastic job.

Klein and the Smoking Man, Part 3

A Doctor Who/ X-Files crossover


Scully was in the basement at the FBI headquarters, listening to Mulder talking at length about newspaper cuttings, magazine articles and internet rumours from UFO fanatics. He was like a little boy in a toy shop, displaying wide-eyed enthusiasm at every scrap of information.

"Now this is the best lead I have here, Scully. Just over a week ago, a meteor was reported to have hit in rural Wisconsin," said Mulder.

"Let me guess, you think this is a UFO crash landing?" suggested Scully, raising her eyebrow.

"Precisely. I have read a number of eyewitness accounts descrine a flying saucer within a two-mile radius immediately prior to this 'meteor' hitting the ground," replied Mulder.

"It hadn't occurred to you that an inexperienced observer might have difficulty distinguishing between a meteor and a flying saucer?" asked Scully.

"Hold off on the sceptic routine, Scully. There is more coming," he said. "A UFO enthusiast I am in contact with tried to get close to the crash site or 'meteor.' He couldn't get close, as the military had cordoned off the whole area. He did, however, manage to take a very interesting photograph which he sent me."

Mulder handed a photograph to Scully. It showed a man smoking a cigarette, while taking to a blond middle-aged woman.

"It's him! The smoking man!" said Scully.

"It seems he has an interest in meteors. I'm interested in who the woman is he's talking to."

"Somebody from the Federal government?" offered Scully.

"No. My friend took some other photographs, one of which included the car that brought this lady. I traced the registration number. It turns out it belongs to the United Nations headquarters in New York."

"She works for the UN?"

"I think this is a lead we should explore, Scully," Mulder declared.


****


After Mulder had returned to his apartment, he carefully placed two pieces of sticky tape onto his window, forming an X. He then shone his lamp behind it.


****

The next day, Mulder was getting out of his car, when we has approached by a black man, dressed in an overcoat. He had a greying beard and a scowling expression. The man was a nameless figure who often provided information to Mulder, though always on his own terms.

"Is it just me or do the two of us spend a lot of time in car parks?" said Mulder.

"What do you want from me this time, Agent Mulder?" snarled Mr. X.

"I wondered if you might know who this lady is in the picture," replied Mulder, handing Mr. X the photograph he had shown Scully.

"Agent Mulder, do you realise just how deep you are going here?" snapped Mr X. "Do you realize the web of secrecy you are trying to pierce?"

"If I didn't I wouldn't be asking," said Mulder with a shrug.

"This woman works for the United Nations Intelligence Taskforce."

"I think I've heard of them. Some sort of top secret security organisation," said Mulder.

"You think our cigarette-smoking friend is secretive? These people are on a completely different level," barked Mr X. "These are real military. Trained killers. Like Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart, one of their former officers. My death could be ordered just for talking about UNIT. You don't know what you are dealing with, Agent Mulder."

"What exactly does UNIT do?" asked Mulder.

"They are Earth's last line of defence against invasion by extraterrestrials, Agent Mulder."

Mulder's eyes widened.

"You find this woman, Agent Mulder. Her name is Dr Elizabeth Klein. When you find her, aske her about the Doctor," instructed Mr X.

"Doctor?"

"Dr. Who, Dr. John Smith. He has many names. But he is the Doctor."


****


Mulder and Scully arrived outside the headquarters of the American branch of UNIT in Arkham, Massachusetts. The organisation was based in an old house from the 18th century. Like many of the buildings in Arkham, it was in an ornate neo-classical style. UNIT clearly had good taste.

The two agents presented themselves at the reception, displaying their FBI badges to the guard.

The guard wore the uniform of a US Marine, though she had a UNIT badge on her sleeve and wore a blue UNIT beret.

"I am very sorry, but Dr. Klein can only see visitors with a prior appointment. Her stay here is temporary and her time is limited," the guard explained.

"We are Federal agents conducting a criminal investigation," insisted Scully.

"I am sorry, but this building and it's staff are under UN jurisdiction. Dr Klein has diplomatic unity and cannot be subject to Federal investigation."

At that moment, a middle-aged blonde woman dressed in a dark skirt suit entered the reception heading toward the exit.

"Dr Klein!" cried the two agents.

"Can I help you?" asked Klein.

"These people are FBI agents, Dr. Klein. They wanted a consultation with you," interjected the guard.

"Is that so?" asked Klein with a raised eyebrow.

"It is Dr Klein. I'm Agent Mulder and this is Scully. We believe you may be able to shed some light on our recent investigations."

"I would be happy to talk with you and provide you with whatever information I can. There is a coffee shop on the other side of the street. Perhaps we could go there," the UNIT scientist suggested.

Mulder and Scully nodded and followed Klein into the street.


****


"So what exactly does UNIT do?" asked Scully.

"Oh, we're spies. We deal with invisible ink, that sort of thing," explained Klein.

"Nothing to do with Extraterrestrials or anything beyond Earth then?" asked Mulder suspiciously.

"You must be joking! I do wish my job was that interesting," replied Klein.

"Over a week ago, a meteor was reported to have hit Wisconsin. Can I ask what you were doing in the area?"

"I have a certain expertise in meteors. I happened to be giving a lecture at the University of Wisconsin in Milwaukee. I was asked to come to the examine the meteor."

"You were photographed with this man," said Mulder, showing Klein the photograph of her with the smoking man. She showed a definite sign of recognition.

"He's a professor at the university. Is he is some kind of trouble?" asked Klein.

"He doesen't exactly come across as the academic type," commented Scully.

"I'm sure he has some varied hobbies. I really don't know him very well," said Klein.

Mulder changed the subject.

"Is it true that in 1976, the London Underground was closed because of robotic Yeti?" he asked.

Klein made an amused face.

"I have heard of such stories, but the 1976 evacuation was due to a toxic substance that had been unleashed," she replied.

"I'm aware of the toxic substance, but it is believed by many that this was a creation of an alien force, along with the robot Yeti," he insisted.

Scully rolled her eyes.

"I think it's rather more likely that the toxin was unleashed by a terrorist group, such as the IRA. If there were any 'Yeti,' I am sure that they were just men in costumes."

Scully nodded. She was starting to warm to this Klein woman.

"Is it also true that London was evacuated in 1983 because of a horde of rampaging Dinosaurs?" asked Mulder.

Scully tried hard not to laugh.

"Oh, I've heard that one so many times," said a smiling Klein. "There was a serious gas leak from a chemical plant."

"I have read eyewitness accounts of people describing Dinosaurs. They seem pretty accurate," said Mulder.

"Perhaps, but Dinosaurs have been extinct for a long time," replied Klein.

"What about the Loch Ness Monster swimming down the Thames in 1984?" asked Mulder. This was his favorite of these British stories.

"I can assure you that your 'Loch Ness Monster' was a whale that had become trapped in the Thames. The poor thing was driven mad. The remains were preserved. I could arrange for you to see them if you like," said Klein.

Mulder was starting to get frustrated.

"Who is this man? The one they call the Doctor?" he said, handing Klein a photograph he had found on the internet.

The photograph displayed a man with tightly-curled brown hair. He was giving a boggle-eyed stare, while grinning madly, displaying huge white teeth. He had a brightly-cloured scarf wrapped about his neck.

Klein grimaced in recognition of the man.

"Oh, he was a medical student we had doing a placement with us. We used to call him the 'Doctor.' We were being sarcastic. He was completely incompetent and useless. I doubt he ever actually went on to qualify."

"You expect us to believe all these cover stories?" snapped Mulder.

"Would I be telling you them if I didn't?" sneered Klein.

"Come on, Mulder, We've wasted enough time on the 'invisible ink' people. Let's get back to grassy knolls and flying saucers," said Scully.

"You can't hide the truth from the people of the world forever!" said Mulder.

"Come on," said Scully dragging his arm.

"You really have no idea," said Klein with a sigh.

Klein and the Smoking Man, Part 2

A Doctor Who/ X-Files crossover


Klein awoke to the smell of cigarettes. This was unusual as she had given up smoking nearly ten years ago.

"Good morning, Dr Klein," came a male voice, smooth and precise, with the faintest hint of an Irish lilt.

The cigarette smoking man. She remembered. She had returned to the hotel with this shadowy man from the US government. They had drank and drank at the bar, before going back to her hotel room.

What kind of woman went to bed with a man whose name she did not even know? At least she was in a foreign country and far from home. Nobody was going to know about this.

She looked at the man she had carelessly made love to, his craggy, weathered face, with its sharply defined cheekbones. The sharp lines of his aging features betrayed the depth of his harrowing experiences.

Most of the men her age were fat and ungainly, one of the reasons it was such a long time since she had taken a lover. Not so the smoking man. His naked chest revealed a slim slender form, broken only by firm and tight muscle. It was a body kept in check by iron discipline. She supposed he was an ex-military man who had never abandoned the rigours of his youthful training.

The man breathed deeply on his cigarette and gazed at Klein. His expression was inscrutable, his half-smile neither cruel nor kind. His beady-eyed stare suggested friendly attention, but might just as easily have been mocking amusement.

"This is actually a non-smoking room," Klein pointed out.

The man lowered his cigarette and shrugged.

"Does it matter? You smoked plenty yourself last night," he replied.

"Yes, I vaguely remember that I did," admitted Klein. "Hang it all. Pass me another one."

The man smiled and passed his packet of Morleys and his lighter.

Klein lit the cigarette and drew deeply. She was well aware of the health risks, but a situation like this called for cigarettes. Saving the world from Zygons or Quarks was one thing, but waking up in bed with a nameless killer from a secret branch of the US government was quite another.

"This is a plain hotel, Dr Klein. I would have thought the United Nations expenses would have stretched a little higher," commented the man.

"Perhaps for the World Health Organisation. Blowing up Daleks and Cybermen with bazookas is an expensive business. It doesen't leave much room for plush hotel stays," Klein answered.

"I thoroughly approve, Dr. Klein. I always stay in modest hotels myself. There is only so much you can get out of a black budget. Besides, great power requires responsibility. Those of us who work in secret and outside the law must be honest and above reproach. I come down sharply on associates who use their power to their own benefit," he said.

"It's always about big secrets, Earth-shaking plans, the destiny of humanity and sinister threats with you, isn't it?"

"Of course. What else? Though I do have my distractions. I like to write fiction in my minimal spare time and occasionally watch a game of baseball. And on very rare occasions, I enjoy the company of an attractive woman such as yourself, Dr Klein," said the man.

A life utterly consumed by secrets and the shadowy wars of the heavens. So much like her own.

Most of the men Klein had fallen for in the past were ordinary men doing ordinary jobs, men who could distract her from the cold and terrifying realities of her professional life. Why had she allowed this man, with all her own baggage and complexities into her life?

A Machiavellian schemer. Delighting in secrecy, lies and devilish plans. A man who was happy to manipulate and dupe others.

A man just like the Doctor. Admittedly, the smoking man was a good deal handsomer, as well as taller than the Doctor. And rather more ready to get into bed with her.

Could she never get away from thinking about the wretched Umbrella Man? Was that infernal schemer even warping her love life? Damn you, Doctor, she silently cursed.

"It's time to get dressed, Mr Smoker," said Klein. "I didn't come to this country just to fool around in a hotel room. You were going to show me some of your facilities."

"Naturally, Dr. Klein. A car awaits. But on the way, perhaps you can tell me a little about Cybermen. We have a project that might make use of some of their technical properties," said the man.

"Gladly," replied Klein. There were times when the thought of being an emotionless sexless Cyberwoman seemed so much simpler.

Klein and the Smoking Man (my fan fiction)

A Doctor Who/ X-Files crossover featuring Elizabeth Klein and the Cigarette Smoking Man.


Klein watched as the alien corpses were pulled out of the wrecked flying saucer. The grey-skinned aliens had small thin bodies and rounded heads, with bulbous oval eyes. Klein had seen many strange creatures during her work with UNIT, but these aliens just looked- she struggled to find the word. Generic. Yes, in contrast to Krynoids, Axons and Quarks, these creatures seemed rather dull.

The bodies gave off a very strange odor. A sickly green fluid flowed from them.

A man also stood watching the Blue Berets carry out their work on the crashed spaceship. She supposed he was one of the men from some shadowy government branch. The British government left UNIT to mess around with alien debris, but the American government were heavily involved in the extraterrestrial business and jealousy kept the American branch of UNIT in the dark.

The man was in his sixties and wore a dark suit. His hair was grey and his face was worn and weathered. He was attractive in a rugged sort of way. He was smoking a cigarette and looking very thoughtful. Klein felt a sense of danger about the man. He had seen a lot of frightening things and had probably done a lot of frightening deeds.

He discarded a used cigarette butt, and then lit another light from his packet of Morleys.

"It makes you feel very privileged, doesn't it?" said the smoking man. "To see things that every other human being will never know a thing about it. You and I carry such a weight of responsibility."

Klein had expected the smoking man to have a deep and hoarse voice, but his voice turned out to be smooth and delicate, with a hint of an Irish lilt.

"You're Dr Elizabeth Klein from UNIT?" said the smoking man. It was a statement not a question. He took another puff on his cigarette. "I'm very much an admirer of your work, Dr Klein."

"I'm flattered. Might I ask who I have the pleasure of meeting?" asked Klein.

The man drew heavily on his cigarette and gave a mysterious look.

"I could tell you my name, Dr Klein," he said. Klein expected him to add 'but I'd have to kill you,' but instead he continued "but you would have no way of knowing if it was really my name, would you? Is there really any point?"

"You have me there, I suppose," replied Klein.


The Blue Berets work was almost complete. The bulk of the crashed flying saucer was covered with a tarpaulin and then lifted into the air by helicopters. The rest of the debris had been gathered into trucks.

"Why don't we go for a coffee, Dr Klein?" suggested the smoking man. "I think it would be quite helpful to develop the relationship between my organisation and UNIT."

"I dare say it would," replied Klein, though she doubted she would learn much from this obtuse fellow.



The smoking man drove Klein to a roadside cafe.

After they had sat down, the man was about to light another cigarette.

"Those things are dreadfully bad for you," said Klein. "Must you insist on smoking then in here?"

The man looked quite hurt. Nevertheless, he returned the cigarette to its packet.

"I don't suppose I should refuse a lady," he said charmingly.

As they waited for the waitress to take their order, Klein glanced at the menu.

"You Americans do shove some very unhealthy things into your stomachs. I can't see anything on this menu that could be described as a light snack," complained Klein.

"I've had some very unhealthy breakfasts on my visits to England," replied the man.

"Don't go thinking we eat that sort of thing all the time. Anyway, you probably know my parents are German. I have always preferred a continental breakfast."

When the waitress arrived, they ordered two coffees.

The man asked her some questions about some of the cases she had been involved with, with specific referring to Sea Devils and Quarks. The Eurpopean scientist was unsurprised at his access to classified United Nations intelligence.

"I have people in the United Nations," he said, as if justifying his knowledge.

"Thanks for telling me. I shall be sure to let my superiors know."

"As is your duty, Dr Klein," he said with a smile.

"I have to tell you, my people have a lot of concerns about some of the activities on this side of the pond. We have heard some worrying rumours about your people. Rumours of unilateral negotiation with alien races. Negotiations that would contravene international laws," said Klein.

The man was about to instinctively reach for a cigarette, but stopped himself.

"We are acting only in the interests of humanity, Dr Klein," he said coldly.

"I dare say. I'm all for acting in the interests of humanity. The problem I have is with shadowy branches in the US government making decisions about the best interests of humanity. There is an expectation that such matters are decided on an international level these days."

The man looked thoughtful. Ignoring or forgetting Klein's earlier request he took up a cigarette and lit it.

"We would be happy to let UNIT in on our project, we just have to be sure you won't go public with the information," he said, puffing on his cigarette.

"Go public?" spluttered Klein. "UNIT have hushed up countless alien invasions. I think you can rely on us to keep the public in the dark."

"Indeed. Do forgive my lack of confidence," he replied. "Our main concern is alien-human hybridization."

Klein raised an eyebrow.

"Fascinating. That would be an incredible achievement- if you can do it," she commented.

"We can. I'm not a scientist, I'm not the best person to talk to you about the details. I would be quite willing to give you a tour of one of our facilities," he offered.

"I should very much like that."

"I hope that you would report back favourably to your organisation, Dr Klein."

"We shall see," she replied coolly.

"There was something I wanted to ask you about, Dr Klein," said the smoking man. "I've heard a lot about somebody who has worked with your organisation. A man they call 'the Doctor.' I would very much like to know more about him."

"The Doctor," said Klein coldly. "You know, I'm suddenly feeling like I'd like one of your cigarettes. I don't normally smoke, but I wouldn't mind one now."

The man smiled and passed her his packet of Morleys and his lighter.

Klein lit the cigarette.

"You probably know the Doctor worked as unpaid scientific adviser for UNIT. You may also know that he was an extraterrestrial."

The smoking man nodded.

"The Doctor is a law unto himself. He manipulates the lives of others as easily as a child plays with a toy. He's certainly manipulated me. He frightens me sometimes. It seems like he knows more about me than I know about myself," continued Klein.

She took a deep puff on her cigarette.

"I resent his manipulations and his subterfuge. But I do admire him. His schemes are necessary, not only for the good of this planet, but also for many others."

"Other planets? You can't say that about many men," said the smoking man.

"He is quite unique."

The man puffed heavily on his cigarette.

"I should very much like to meet this man," he said. "Perhaps we might have things in common."

"I think the two of you have a lot in common. Both of you share very little, including your names."

He lowered his cigarette and smiled.

"I think you and I have a lot in common, Dr Klein. We both work in secrecy, dealing with strange and disturbing things. We both understand that the fate of humanity is in our hands. Neither of us can allow others to know the truth about what we deal with."

"That is so true," replied Klein. "It is a lonely path we walk."

"I live a lonely life. I've no wife, no family. The work I do is everything to me. I know that is the same with you. You've never married. Your work with UNIT is your whole life."

"You know all about me, don't you? You are so much like the Doctor," mused the scientist. "We're both lonely people, you and I. Perhaps we should ease each other's loneliness while we can."

"Why not."

"I have a hotel room booked. Will you come back with me for a few drinks in the bar? I think you'd be better company than the Doctor ever was," suggested Klein.

"Dr Klein, I'd be delighted to join you. It's not often I get to spend time with an elegant British woman."

Klein at the Hairdressers

A fan fiction about Big Finish character, Elizabeth Klein. In my review of UNIT Dominion, I suggested that we need to see more of Klein's ordinary life and suggested we should have a scene where she is in a hairdressing salon. Well I decided to write one!


If she could, Klein might have spent her entire life inside the UNIT laboratory. Not so much because she enjoyed her work, but simply because it tended to occupy most of her thoughts. Nevertheless, there were certain things that you could not do in a laboratory and one of those was getting your hair trimmed. The UNIT HQ being a top secret facility, she could hardly arrange for an hairdresser to visit.

Thus Klein was forced to make occasional visits to the salon in order to keep her helmet-shaped hair in trim. The UNIT scientific adviser had worn her hair in this style for the last twenty years. It was neat and practical. The thought of growing her hair longer or cutting it shorter had not once crossed Klein's mind in the past twenty years.


Klein sighed as she listened to the inane pop song that was being played on the radio.

"I love Kylie Minogue," said the hairdresser, a pretty blond girl of about eighteen years. "I cried my eyes out when she left Neighbours. I wish she and Jason got married in real life."

Klein had never watched Neighbours and had no idea who Jason was.

"I wish I lived in Australia," said the hairdresser.

"I can't say I find it very appealing," replied Klein. Australia sounded like a dreadful place to Klein, a desert land of soap operas, with no culture whatsoever.

"What do you do for a living?" asked the girl.

Klein sighed again. That was the tiresome thing about going to the salon. The hairdressers always assumed you wanted to chat and chat away. Klein's purposes in being there was simply to have her hair trimmed and nothing more. Conversation was irrelevant.

"I'm a scientist," answered Klein.

That was all she could say. As a member of UNIT, Klein had signed the Official Secrets Act. Simply talking for ten minutes about her day to day work would have been enough to land her in prison.

"A scientist!" cried the girl. "I always used to want to be a scientist, but I was never clever enough. Science is so exciting, finding a cure for cancer, inventing time machines and all that."

"I'm afraid my work is not quite so exciting as that," said Klein. She was not altogether sure whether that was a lie or not. She'd never invented a time machine, but she'd studied alien time technology and had met time travellers.

"I used to love watching those old Professor X episodes," said the hairdresser.

"Perhaps you should take some college classes?" suggested Klein.

"Yes, I suppose I could," said the girl.

Klein tried to resist the notion that the girl was fit for no more than styling peoples hair. She reminded herself that the girl could become an astrophysicist with just a little direction. Possibly. Or possibly not.

"What's your name?" asked Klein.

"I'm Debbie," she replied.

Klein could at that point have said "You can call me Elizabeth." However, she generally preferred to be addressed as Dr. Klein by anybody who she had not known for at least ten years. Besides, when people addressed her by her first name, they always ended up calling her Liz. Klein hated few thing more than being called Liz.

"Do you have any grandchildren?" asked Debbie.

Klein's eyes widened in shock at the question.

"Do I really look that old?" she asked.

Debbie went bright red.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to say you looked old. I just wondered if you did. My mother's in her forties and has four grandchildren already..."

When you are in a hole, stop digging. Young people had no manners these days.

"I'm afraid I never had any children, Debbie. I suppose I was always too busy with my work to have a family," said Klein.

"Oh, that's a shame," said Debbie.

Klein frowned at the impertinence.

It had always been difficult for women to get anywhere in the scientific community when they married and had children. Klein had seen dozens of her female colleagues forced to give up high flying careers and fascinating research projects when they married. It seemed such a waste. She had been so glad never to have been in such a position.

But had she lost anything never having children? As she sat in the salon chair, Klein tried to imagine her life with a bunch of children running around. No doubt they would be studious, disciplined and obedient. She tried to run the thought through her mind, but it left her cold. She simply could not generate any excitement at the idea.

What was a husband and children when you could study extraterrestrial life and save the planet from alien invaders?


Debbie switched off the hairdryer.

Klein looked at herself in the mirror. She found herself looking at a woman who was getting old. A woman who had made her choices, choices that could not be undone. But she saw a woman who was proud and confident. A woman who had seen incredible things and done incredible things.

She saw her blonde helmet-shaped hair looking as neat as ever.

"Very efficient work, Debbie," said Klein.

"Thanks, Dr. Klein!"

Klein's Holiday in Hastings

A fan fiction featuring Elizabeth Klein, UNIT scientific adviser.


Klein sat in a cafe in Hastings. Before was set a plate of fish and chips. They were very greasy. This was not going to do anything for her figure. Once she got back to work, she was going to have to go on a long diet.

Taking holidays by the seaside and eating fish and chips. What would her German parents have said?

Face it, Dr Klein, you're British, Klein thought to herself. You've lived in this country all your life, you hardly sound German and you watch the Queen's speech on Christmas day. You're an Englishwoman.


Yet in the back of her mind, Klein could never shake off the feeling that something about her life was not quite right, that she did not belong. She had found out only a year ago, when she had been landed with an extraordinary revelation about having another life in an alternate timeline. She was not sure how much of this story she understood or even believed, but she knew deep down that her past was more complicated than she had ever realized.

Klein glanced out of the cafe window and looked at the sea front beyond, bustling with holidaymakers. If it was true that there had been another timeline, with Britain under Nazi rule, she wondered how different the town of Hastings would look. She supposed it would be a lot more orderly. There would be a lot less crazy young people dressed in the most outlandish outfits.

The radio was playing in the background. The DJ announced a new single by some pop group called the Pet Shop Boys. Klein smiled at the thought that in the other timeline, there might be no such dreadful music. The radio would be playing Wagner. Her German parents had brought her up to love Wagner.

No doubt her parents would have been happy in a Nazi world. They never talked about it, but they had been National Socialists before the war. Klein doubted they would ever get over the shock of the events of the Forties.


Having finished her meal, Klein took a walk by the sea. She didn't remove her sandals on the beach. The Hastings shore was pebbled and not sandy. I really should have chosen to go somewhere with a decent beach, she thought. Never mind, she could drive to Camber Sands tomorrow and experience a proper beach.

Klein's thoughts drifted to the recording she had listened to of the Doctor. Not the Scottish one, or the one with curly hair and the big grin; the one with grey hair and the sharp nose.

"The Sea Devils? Well. old chap, the 'Sea Devils,' as you call them should properly be called Eocenes. They colonised our oceans some 50 millions years ago..."

Klein smiled as she thought of this Doctor's slight lisp. She wished she had known this incarnation of him better.

"The thing is, we don't know how many Eocene cities survive in the oceans. There may be none left or there might be hundreds of their colonies out there. They have a technology far beyond the ken of man. They may have weapons of terrible destructive power..."

As Klein looked at the roaring waves, she tried to imagine teeming Sea Devil cities deep below the sea. She imagined their hatred of the walking apes on the surface lands. She imagined the terrible violence they might do to the civilization and she thought of the nuclear firestorm her people would retaliate with.

She really had to stop thinking about work.

Klein had not wanted to go on holiday. She had been practically ordered to take some long overdue annual leave. Relaxing did not come naturally to Klein.


"You want to know about the Nestene Consciousness? Jo, can you be a good girl and make us some tea? Thank you. The Nestene Consciousness is a formless energy lifeform. It has the power to animate plastic. Twice it tried to infiltrate the Earth and I shouldn't like to see them try again. I have been doing some research in the TARDIS library and it seems the Nestenes are known to my own people, the Time Lords. Apparently, the Nestenes are the offspring of Shub-Niggurath, a being that existed before the very birth of the universe. If that is true, then we are talking about an entity that is utterly alien and utterly unknowable. Such a power is a menace even to the Time Lords of Gallifrey."


How was anybody who worked for UNIT supposed to relax? How could anybody enjoy walking by the sea knowing that humanity faced the possibility of alien invasion every day?

Klein headed towards the shops. Perhaps shopping for clothes might take her mind of the horrors of her job.


"The Great Intelligence is another energy being. This being is a master manipulator. It knows a thousand strategies, a thousand tricks. Robotic Yeti were just one of the tricks up its metaphorical sleeve. It is a creature older than the universe. It is also called Yog-Sothoth, one of the Great Old Ones of legend. I defeated it twice, but I have no idea what has become of the Great Intelligence now. Is it drifting on some astral plane, or has it returned to Earth and dwelling in some dark corner?"


Browsing clothes in Marks and Spencers seemed to take Klein's mind off work for a while. It was a little difficult to tear herself away from the dark grey suits that she usually wore and to look at the summer outfits, but she managed it.


"Yes, there is a lot of uncertainty regarding the Axons. It is possible that Axos is not one spacecraft, but part of an whole cosmic fleet. If the Axonites come again, they won't be beaten so easily. It is my belief that Axos is the creation of Nylarthotep, a terrible cosmic entity that dwells in the Time Vortex. I have never encountered Nylarthotep before, and I do hope I never shall.."


After selecting a light skirt, Klein handed her money to the girl on the check out. She was young, barely eighteen. Klein remembered working in a clothes shop when she was eighteen, during a break from study. She remembered the first feelings of excitement as she began her studies in the world of physics. The cosmos had seemed so fresh and exciting. She had no awareness of all the tentacled horrors that lurked beyond the Earth, waiting for the chance to crush all life on its fragile sphere.

That poor girl; if she had any idea of just how fragile her future was..


"You are referring to the incident with the Euro Sea Gas drilling station? Yes, I do find that whole thing quite perplexing. I have no idea how that algae, that ought to have just been harmless seaweed, was able to develop consciousness and intelligence. We don't know if it was mutated by industrial pollution or exposed to some alien influence. It poses the terrifying possibility that the very forces of nature could be turned against civilization..."


Clutching her purchase, Klein hurried out of the store. Was this job going to drive her mad? Perhaps people were simply not meant to know just how much horror and madness lurked in the dark places of the universe. Klein realized she needed a drink. She headed back to the hotel at which she was staying.

"Did you know that this universe is just one of many, floating in a sea of universes. Just like our sea, there are things swimming in that super-cosmic sea. Some of these things, creatures if you like, are larger than our universe. They actually consume universes as food. It is not impossible that our universe could be swallowed up and eradicated at any moment.."

"A gin and tonic, please," she instructed the barman.

She drank it quickly and ordered another.

What was she to do if some alien entity were to invade the Earth at this very moment? She would hardly be much use. Away from her laboratory and getting drunk in a hotel bar.

"Look before you drink, Klein," came a familiar Scottish voice.

Klein frowned. The 'Umbrella Man' once again.

"I should have known I'd run into you again sooner or later," said Klein.

"How are you enjoying your holiday?" asked the Doctor.

"I might be enjoying it a bit more if I was not constantly thinking about alien invasions and assorted cosmic horrors. I rather wish you had left a few less details in the UNIT files," Klein replied.

"Oh, Klein, you really aren't good at shutting down are you? What are you planning on doing with the rest of it?"

"I was thinking of going to Camber Sands tomorrow," said Klein.

"Perfect! We can go paddling and play beach games! And I shall build you the biggest sandcastle you have ever seen! I shall bring a huge picnic too," said the Doctor.

"I don't remember inviting you, Doctor," said Klein wearily.

"Klein, I've taught you about aliens, I've told you about strange worlds and how to fight monsters, now I'm going to teach you how to enjoy being at the seaside. It's only fair."

"Very well, Doctor. If anybody is going to teach me how not to go insane in this job, it's certainly you. We visit Camber Sands tomorrow."

Dr. Elizabeth Klein

I asked Jokerxsiren to draw a picture of Elizabeth Klein from the Big Finish audios. Klein (voiced by Tracey Childs) is a Nazi scientist from an alternate timeline in which the Nazis won the war. She temporarily travels with the Doctor as his companion, a strained relationship if ever there was one! I have written a lot of fan fiction about her.

Drawing Klein was a challenge for Jokerxsiren as we have only ever seen the face and shoulders of the character. I like the figure that she has given her- a mature woman who has aged very well, but is not skinny. One of the things I love about Klein is that she is a mature woman who is elegant and sexy. Too many Doctor Who characters are 20-something girls in short skirts.

I asked the artist to draw Klein in a floral dress. In my fan fiction I have always described Klein as wearing feminine clothes and avoided putting her in uniforms or boots. This creates a contrast with her cold personality.

Azshara wants a Doctor pt2

The second part of my Doctor Who/ World of Warcraft crossover.


The Doctor doubted he had been in a room this size since leaving Gallifrey. It truly was magnificent. At the far end of the palace lounge, a group of scantily-clad night elves were performing a frenzied dance routine. Their gyrations were a wonder to behold.

The Doctor reclined on a couch. Azshara sat with him, with one leg positioned over his seductively. She planted a kiss on him at every opportunity. It had been a long time since anybody had been so enamoured of the Doctor.

"Tell me, Doctor, is your world as beautiful as this one?" asked the night elf queen.

"Certainly, my dear. The sky is a burnt orange and the leaves on the trees are silver. The Capitol, the great city is a wonder of glass and marble, with many picturesque spires and domes," he replied.

The Doctor was certainly enjoying Azshara's attentions. Her blue skin and long pointed ears were a little odd and her naked feet were surprisingly large, but she was was undeniably beautiful. She was clearly in love with him, though it was an odd kind of love. Her mind did not seem to be able to distinguish her desire for him and her desire for his vast knowledge and mastery of time travel. For all that Azshara was beautiful, the Doctor was convinced she was vain, self-absorbed and at least a little bit stupid. She also had a terrible dress sense with that skimpy dress and those tasteless pink jewels. No Time Lady would have worn such an outfit.

"Grandfather!" came a voice from the other side of the room. Susan skipped barefoot into the room with her usual girlish enthusiasm. Azshara silently cursed with rage at the arrival of the Doctor's wretched granddaughter.

"I've had such a wonderful time today, grandfather," said Susan. "You know I got to ride this massive Saber-toothed cat. It was rather frightening, but it was very fun once I got used to it. I also met a druid. He gave me a really interesting lesson in how magic works. This universe really is quite different to our, grandfather."

The Doctor heard nothing of what Susan said to him. He was too distracted by the shock of her outfit. His granddaughter was wearing only a leather bikini and loincloth. Most of her bottom was exposed to the world. She also wore a bracelet on her thigh.

"My child, I really don't think you ought to be wearing something that leaves so little to the imagination, especially not at your age," he managed to say.

"But all the Kaldorei girls dress like this," protested Susan.

"I noticed some of the Kaldorei ladies are dressed rather more modestly, like Queen Azshara here," said the Doctor. As he said this, he was painfully aware that Azshara's minimalist dress was barely any improvement on Susan's bikini and loincloth.

Azshara was quite amused by this exchange. She clapped her hand and a maidservant approached.

"Worthy Doctor, you have the sensibilities of a dwarf," said the queen. She turned to the maid. "Go to Lady Vashj. Instruct her to find a dress for this youngling," she instructed.

Susan made a sulking expression and followed the maid.

Glad to be rid of the girl, Azshara returned her attention to the Doctor.

"I have waited a long time to find a suitable mate, Doctor. None of the males of my own people could ever suffice. You shall give me children who have your wisdom, nobility and dignity," she said.

The Doctor was really not sure he needed any more children. His granddaughter, Susan, was a handful enough on her own.

"You must stay here and rule at my side, Doctor. You can give me the wisdom I need to purify this world and rid it of imperfection," said the queen.

"I think, my dear, there is something to be said for imperfection," said the Doctor. "Take me for instance, I'm hardly the most impressive looking specimen to grace this world? Hmmm?"

Azshara seemed surprised by this suggestion.

The Doctor continued. "Or take your dress for instance. On some worlds, that dress would be considered quite scandalous and very much imperfect. Yet here it is considered to be very much the thing to wear for ladies."

Azshara had never considered such a notion.

"I rather fear, my dear, that your notion of imperfection is people who ask too many awkward questions about your rule," said the Doctor with a smile.



As the Doctor and Susan returned to the TARDIS, Azshara followed after them.

"You cannot leave me behind here, Doctor!" pleaded Azshara. "I need your wisdom, your power, your knowledge."

"I am sorry but my destiny lies there," said the Doctor, pointing to the Well of Eternity. "Your destiny lies with your people. Do rule them sensibly, my dear."

"If you cannot stay, take me with you! I could be your companion. We could travel together through time and space! You can show me the wonders of many worlds!"

"I really don't think so," said the Doctor and closed the TARDIS door.

With a wheezing, groaning sound, the statue of Azshara disappeared, leaving the original alone in her imperfect world.


Inside the TARDIS, the Doctor snorted at the absurdity of Azshara's suggestion. Take a companion? Travelling with his granddaughter was company enough. The very cheek of it!

Azshara wants a Doctor Pt1

A Doctor Who/ World of Warcraft crossover.

Azshara queen of the night elves uses her magic to lure a powerful being to Azeroth. But instead of Sargeras, it turns out to be the First Doctor.

Note: This is a pre-Unearthly Child story. The TARDIS is not yet stuck as a police box.



Azshara watched anxiously as the Night Elf highborne focused their magical energy onto the Well of Eternity. The portal they had created crackled and swirled with sorcerous power.

It was Azshara's plan to bring to Azeroth a great and powerful god; one who would marry her, rule at her side and rid the world of imperfection. As the magical force in the Well of Eternity intensified, she could sense the god's presence.

Azshara was startled when she heard a strange wheezing, groaning sound. It sounded quite abhorrent to her long pointed ears, but she sensed that it heralded the god's arrival.

Something began to materialise before the Well of Eternity. To her amazement, she beheld a statue of herself. It was identical to countless statues across Zin-Azshari. It was hued from the finest granite. It was dressed exactly as she was, in a sleeveless gown split at the side, exposing her shapely thigh. Its stone feet were bare.

What greater honour could the god bestow upon her but to send an image of a very form? Truly this being from beyond the cosmos had accepted her devotion!

The night elf queen was even more surprised when a door seemed to open in the statue. Two strange creatures stepped out. They both had peculiar skin in a colour that Azshara found difficult to describe. Their ears were tiny and rounded. One of them was old and wizened with white hair. He walked with the aid of a stick. The other appeared much younger and was clearly female, despite her alien appearance.

"So we've come to a different universe, grandfather?" asked the female being.

"Hmmm,yes, my child. We seem to be making a habit of it since visiting Quinnis in the Fourth Universe. This one appears to be a quite different place," replied the old one.

Azshara boldly approached the two strangers, her jewelery tinkling as she moved daintily on her bare feet.

"Greetings, great lord from beyond," said Azshara. "Welcome to this world. I am Azshara, queen of all the Kaldorei. You do me great honour in arriving in a vessel shaped in my own likeness."

The old one smiled.

"Yes, it changes shape when it arrives. I do think it does quite nicely in that one."

Despite his aged and humble-looking appearance, Azshara knew that the old one was a being with tremendous wisdom and terrific power. She felt love arising in her heart already. She had to win him and learn his secrets!

"May I ask your name, great lord?" asked the night elf queen.

"Yes, of course. I am the Doctor," he replied. He gestured to his female companion. "And this is my granddaughter, Susan."

Susan gave the night elf queen a shy smile. Azshara looked at the girl and decided she absolutely hated her. Why did the great lord Doctor have to arrive in the company of such a pathetic little girl?

"I offer you both the hospitality of my palace. You are honoured guests in my lands."

Azshara summoned her highborne to her side. They bowed low before the Doctor and Susan.

"Lady Vashj here will show your granddaughter the sights of Zin-Azshari and introduce her to suitable young companions. I am sure she will enjoy that. Then you and I can talk of great things, Doctor," said Azshara.

Susan protested. "I'd much rather stay with my grandfather, if you don't mind," she said.

"Nonsense, child," said the Doctor. "You go off and have fun. I think Azshara and I have adult things to talk about." He winked at the night elf queen.

Susan sighed and followed Lady Vashj. Azshara took the Doctor's hand and began to lead him towards the palace.

The Doctor found all this very amusing. These Kaldorei creatures seemed to think he was some sort of god. They were clearly a primitive and superstitious people. On the other hand, their queen seemed to be taking a very personal interest in him. He had absolutely no objection to that. This was looking like a very stimulating trip.

Morgaine Strip Searched (my fan fiction)

Another story about Morgaine's perpetual imprisonment after Battlefield.


Ganymede Correctional Facility 2192

Vraxoin had been found in the prison. Vraxoin was of course the most dangerous drug known to humanity. Those who consumed it quickly became addicted, an addiction which invariably brought death. The discovery of Vraxoin in the prison was always a cause for alarm. Inmates were selected at random to have their cell, clothes and bodies searched for the substance.

This time Morgaine had been chosen to be searched. She had been taken to the dry room after guards had rifled through her cell and she stood before a guard. The guard was in her early twenties with dark skin. Probably of African descent, but as humanity spread into space, people were getting more and more racially mixed.

"Okay, Morgaine, time to strip off," said the guard.

Morgaine stepped out of her flip flops and removed her yellow inmate pyjamas.

Since she had been sent to Holloway prison in 1999, strip searches had become part of her life. After being Battle Queen of the Thirteen Worlds of the S'rax, it had been a new and humiliating experience for her, but she had grown used to it.

Morgaine held no embarassment about her naked body. She was proud of her muscular form and large breasts. When she had been queen of her realm, she had shared her bed chamber with her handmaidens and bathed with them in chrystal clear lakes. It had been death for any man who had dared to behold Morgaine bathing with her ladies.

In the prisons in which she had been held, they were civilized enough to have female guards carry out searches. Of course, plenty of female guards had taken pleasure in the experience. Morgaine knew she would have enjoyed it had the roles been reversed.

"I'm sending your clothes to the lab. I'll give you a new set of PJs when we're done," said the guard.

"Do you really think you are going to find drugs on me? In two centuries of captivity in this miserable cosmos, I have never used drugs. Is this really necessary, Miss?" asked Morgaine.

"Look, I don't decide who to search. We need to get on with this."

"Alright, Miss," the sorceress replied.

Morgaine did not hold a high opinion of prison guards. In her kingdom, the guards of her dungeons had been the lowest of the lowborn. In this world, it seemed that prison guards were also taken from the lower classes; men and women whose education was limited and for whom opportunities were few. The sorceress felt sorry for them at having been led into such an ignoble occupation. It seemed only fair that they should enjoy what little power they had.

The guard looked up and down Morgaine's body. She seemed somewhat disinterested in the way she looked at the prisoner. Morgaine suspected that the woman had little interest in female flesh.

In this century it was possible for bio-scanners to detect Vraxoin without clothing being removed. However, such scanners were not infallible. Vraxoin could be wrapped in material, mixed with undetectable chemicals or shoved deep into orifices.

The guard then began ruffling through Morgaine's long red hair. Her hair was very thick, so it took her some time.

"Your hair is lovely," said the guard.

"Thank you, Miss," the sorceress replied.

She then lifted one of Morgaine's legs and began looking through her toes.

"Open wide." The guard shone a small light into Morgaine's mouth.

"Okay, we need to go a bit deeper now," said the guard.

This was the bit Morgaine always hated. Having her lower regions examined was probably the worst part of being in prison. Did they do that in the dungeons back in her world? She had no idea. She had never bothered to find out how her dismal prison was run.

Morgaine had experienced a few sadistic guards who made intimate searches as uncomfortable as possible. Of course, she had also had experienced a few who made the experience pleasurable. Morgaine enjoyed the touch of other women when it was gentle.

This guard did not seem to care for this job much either. She got it done quickly.

"Okay, Morgaine. You're clean. Put these fresh pyjamas on and you can go back to your cell."

"Thank you, Miss," she replied gratefully.


Morgaine tried to imagine Merlin submitting to a full body search. She could not do it. Merlin would never have submitted to the indignity.

In her world, Merlin had been imprisoned in many a dungeon. Sometimes by her, sometimes by other lords. He had always escaped after a few minutes. He had even been imprisoned by one of the fairies once. He had no trouble escaping from imprisonment in Fairyland. She began to wonder whether his eternal imprisonment in the ice caves would really have lasted. She felt a certain regret that he would not be going through any intimate body searches in the ice caves.

Merlin lacked spirit. His character was weak. He was unable to stay imprisoned for five minutes while she had submitted to two centuries of imprisonment and humiliation. She could do what Merlin could never do. She would prove to him the depths of her humility.

A Different Klein, by Matthew Clarke (my fan fiction)

At the end of Architects of History, we meet a different Klein who worked for UNIT. I see no reason for doubting that this is the 'proper' Klein who always existed in our timeline.

This chronology of this story presupposes that the UNIT stories are set in the 1980s. It also presupposes that Klein was born about 1935.

I apologise to fans of Liz Shaw for Klein's harsh comments. UNIT Klein hating Liz's guts is my weird idea. Characters in fictional worlds should not always like each other. Whatever personal connection Ace and Barbara Wright might have through the Doctor, the reality is that if they met, they would never become friends.

Rachel Jensen appeared in Remembrance of the Daleks. I just adore her character and Pamela Salem's performance. There are two conflicting accounts of what happened to her. Who Killed Kennedy says that she retired incredibly early, as she suggested in Remembrance. On the other hand, Craig Hinton's novel Millennial Rites states that she became Scientific Advisor to the Cabinet. I am going with the latter account.

Miss Hilda Winters appeared in Robot. I am almost as in love with her as I am with Klein! According to the Sarah Jane audios, she spent fifteen years in prison after Robot.


Surrey, 1997

The Doctor received many invitations to dinner, but given the complexities of travelling in time and space, it was not always that easy to accept them. Just for once, during his many visits to Twentieth-century England, he had managed to make a dinner invitation at the home of Elizabeth Klein.

This was not the Klein who had travelled with him in the TARDIS during his seventh incarnation. It was a different Klein, one who had witnessed the Allies win the war and believed that was the correct version of history. A Klein who had worked as a scientific consultant for UNIT. He had met this version of Klein before, after mopping up the temporal chaos caused by the alternate, Nazi version of Klein.

Klein lived in a small house in a leafy town in Surrey. It was an attractive location. Evidently Klein's scientific work had enabled her to enjoy a comfortable retirement.

The doorbell was answered by a woman in her early sixties. The Doctor immediately recognised her as his one-time companion and enemy, Elizabeth Klein.

This Klein was ten years older than the Klein he had known. Her blond hair was fading to white. Yet it was not just her age that was different. Something about her face was different. Perhaps it was the fact that this version of Klein spoke German a good deal less often. His Klein had been bilingual and had used German regularly in daily life. This Klein might also be bilingual, but he doubted she had used German so much working in UNIT. There was still something else that was different about her face. There was none of the hardness in her countenance that he had seen in the Klein who travelled with him. This Klein seemed altogether a much kinder, gentler person.

This Klein was certainly an attractive woman, despite her age. She wore a dark green dress and was in her stocking feet.

"Doctor, you have changed since I saw you last! You seem very handsome- in a Gothic sort of way," said Klein.

The Doctor smiled in amusement. The Nazi Klein had encountered his Eighth incarnation before and had described him in exactly the same way. He noticed, however, that this Klein spoke in a perfect English accent. The other Klein sounded more English than German, but her voice was still noticeably Teutonic.

"It's really delightful of you to invite me, Elizabeth," said the Doctor. "I wish we could have seen each other more often when you were still working for UNIT. Sadly, travelling in time and space tends to keep me at a distance."

He had called her Elizabeth. He had always addressed the other Klein as 'Klein.'

As he stepped into the house, Klein looked down at his feet.

"Would you mind taking your shoes off, Doctor?"

"Not at all," he replied and removed his shoes. One of his socks was orange, the other was green. He could well imagine the other Klein making the same request. This Klein had the same sense of orderliness. He could see that in the house; it was spotlessly clean and everything was neat and tidily organised.

The two of them sat down in Klein's lounge to enjoy a glass of sherry. However, they soon moved on to the dining room to begin the meal with some duck pate, washed down with a bottle of red wine.

"You know, after Liz Shaw resigned, I was convinced that I was the only scientist working for UNIT. I suppose I was a bit arrogant in that incarnation," said the Doctor.

"I didn't actually spend that much time at UNIT HQ while you were there. I was more of a consultant," replied Klein. "I spent most of my time at the labs in Cambridge. They used to send me special deliveries of alien debris to look at. The aftermath of all those incidents you got involved in. After you left earth, I got called in to work for UNIT more directly."

"How did you actually get recruited?" asked the Doctor.

"I worked with Rachel Jensen in the Intrusion Countermeasures Group back in the Sixties. She later recommended me to UNIT after she became Scientific Advisor to the Cabinet," replied Klein.

"I met Rachel in the Shoreditch Incident in 1963," said the Doctor. "A very intelligent lady."

"Oh, my admiration for Rachel is immense. She pushed so hard to get the extraterrestrial threat recognised. UNIT would never have been formed without her fighting tooth and nail for it all the way. She's also such a fun person to be around. You never felt uncomfortable or anxious in her company, even after she started moving in high circles," said Klein.

"I would have liked to have known her better, but it's so difficult to get the chance."

"I'm sure she would be delighted if you dropped in on her. She's finally retired now. I have no idea what she was thinking when she contemplated retiring before she was even forty. Still, she was married to a rich barrister. I'm so glad she changed her mind," said Klein.

Klein had prepared a Cassoulet for the main course.

"I always serve casseroles when I entertain, Doctor. What we don't eat, I shall save for tomorrow. It's what you do when you live alone."

"Have you ever been with somebody?" asked the Doctor.

"I did get married once. I'm sad to say it didn't last long. When I was younger you just couldn't have a scientific career and have a family if you were a woman. Things are changing, but it's still hard for women working in science. Dear old Rachel was married, but she never had children. It didn't hurt that her husband was a very wealthy man either."

They talked a little about the war and about how Klein's family had been interned.

"You know my experiences of being interned led me to become involved in fighting for the rights of asylum seekers and refugees, Doctor," said Klein. "Next week I'm going to London for a protest. I feel so angry when I read about how this country treats it's guests."

The Doctor was delighted to know that in this timeline, Klein was somebody who fought for the rights of others and for justice instead of supporting a system that violated the rights of millions.

"I wonder what your Nazi parents would have made of that," said the Doctor.

"I have no idea. My parents, like many Germans in those days, adored Hitler. The Third Reich meant so much to them, even though they did move to England. They never quite adjusted to what happened in the war. It was a subject they never liked to talk about."

The conversation moved on to various events in which UNIT had been involved.

"You dealt with the Giant Robot affair didn't you, Doctor?" asked Klein.

"Yes, that was a mad business."

"Miss Hilda Winters was one of my colleagues at Cambridge. I did like her. I visited her in prison quite a few times after the failure of her plans. She had some quite innovative ideas, but she never seemed to quite think very practically. I know it's cruel, but I can't help smiling when I think that she was going to be involved in repopulating the earth. I just can't imagine Hilda having lots of babies."

The Doctor smiled.

"You must have known my former assistant, Miss Shaw? She was at Cambridge as well."

Klein's face darkened.

"Yes, she was one of my physics students at Cambridge when I was teaching," she replied. "She was such a hussy; she seemed to be sleeping with a different young man every week. And then when she started her scientific career, she insisted on wearing miniskirts and kinky boots all the time. How was anybody supposed to take her seriously when she dressed like that? I'm afraid to say I never liked Liz at all. She always seemed to lack imagination and curiosity. No wonder she gave up being your assistant. The chance to study wonders from the other side of the galaxy and she just gave it up. She was a shallow careerist," said Klein.

The Doctor felt deeply saddened by Klein's harsh comments about Liz. While he had never been as close to Liz as he had to some of his other associates, he had trusted her deeply and counted her as a friend. Perhaps both this Klein and the Nazi Klein shared a harshness in their judgment of others.

Klein then served a dessert of Black Forest Gateau. After enjoying this, the two of them moved to the lounge for coffee.

"Elizabeth, there is something I want to talk to you about," said the Doctor. "Have you ever thought about the concept of parallel universes?"

"I'm aware of that theoretical concept, Doctor," Klein replied.

"Have you thought that in a different world, there might be another Elizabeth Klein, in many ways the same person as you, but with different experiences in life?"

Klein laughed. "I think most people have thought about that in some shape or form. I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I had married some of my past lovers or if my marriage hadn't been a disaster, or if I had become a mother."

"Elizabeth, when you first met me, you seemed to somehow remember me. I think I know why that was the case."

"You do?" said Klein.

"We had met before, albeit a different version of you."

"What in a parallel universe?" exclaimed Klein. "Surely that is impossible."

"Not exactly," replied the Doctor. "I once travelled to earth during the Second World War. Normally I never alter history, but this time, events took an unexpected turn and an alternate timeline was created. In this timeline, the Third Reich won the war and came to dominate the world."

"I was born before the war. I must have existed in that timeline," said Klein.

"You did. My TARDIS was captured by the Nazis in the alternate timeline. In this timeline you were also a scientist and you used it to travel from the 1960s to the Second World War."

"For what purpose?" asked Klein. She was becoming very disconcerted at the thought that there was an alternate version of herself who had lived a very different life.

"To capture me. I had been killed in the alternate timeline and your other self needed me to learn how to operate my TARDIS properly."

"I'm certainly curious about your time machine, but I can't imagine trying to capture you, Doctor."

"You were a rather more aggressive person in this timeline. You were also a fanatical Nazi."

"It seems bizarre to think about, but I suppose given my parent's attitudes I might have gone that way if things had been different."

"Your other self's intervention caused events to unravel and erased the alternate timeline. Your other self was then left stranded in the Second World War."

"This is just unbelievable," said Klein.

"We met about fifteen years later and managed to put our differences aside. We travelled together in time and space. I wanted to show your other self the wonder and beauty of the universe, to challenge your, I mean her, narrow attitudes."

Klein was starting to feel slightly jealous of her other self. This Klein had actually got to visit other planets, while she had lived all her life in England.

"Although your other self was a cold, callous and ideologically blinkered person, I saw moments when she showed compassion and a gentler side. I believed that she could come to see beyond her Nazi worldview. Things didn't quite turn out as I would have liked. I don't feel right telling you what happened to your other self, but she no longer exists. I want you to know that I'm so happy you are here and have had the chance to do some wonderful work with UNIT."

Klein found it hard to know what to say. It was such a shock to learn that she had lived an whole other life. It was so hard to take in.

The Doctor insisted on helping Klein to clear up after the meal.

Klein decided now was a time to ask the Doctor something.

"You gave the other Klein a chance to travel with you. It only seems fair you offer me the same opportunity. I'm getting old, but I would love to see another planet if the opportunity is there."

"Of course. I think we could manage a short trip, Klein." He had called her Klein. For just a moment he had forgotten this was a different Klein to the one who had been his companion.

Let's Talk about Men, by Matthew Clarke (my fan fiction)

Another story about Morgaine's perpetual imprisonment after Battlefield.

Madeleine Issigri is from the Troughton story, The Space Pirates



Ganymede Correctional Facility 2192

Morgaine turned to her cellmate, Madeleine. "Was there ever a man in your life?" she asked her.

"I had a couple of serious relationships. I was in love with a naval officer when I was in my twenties. He was nice, but a bit of an idiot. Then I fell for a lawyer when I was a bit older. He turned out to be a selfish bastard. I devoted so much of my life to building up the company that I never had much time for relationships. I dare say some of the men I met thought I was a selfish bitch."

Morgaine smiled. "Do you hope to find a husband after you have served your sentence?"

Madeleine looked thoughtful before answering. "I suppose it might be nice. Perhaps it's a bit late to become a mother, but not impossible. I'm really not altogether sure what to do when I'm free. I just hope any decent chaps won't be put off a woman who has done time in the clink."

"They would be fools if they were," said Morgaine.

"Have you ever been married?" asked Madeleine.

"No, but I have had many lovers in my life. I have won the hearts of kings, princes and many knights. I have also slept with the Lords of the Elder Folk that you would call fairies. I have even given my body up to demons and enjoyed their forbidden and terrible pleasures."

Madeleine shuddered. "I imagine making love to fairies might be nice, but I don't like the sound of sleeping with demons."

"They are not gentle lovers, though they can give pleasure of a kind," explained Morgaine. "None of the men I have loved can ever compare to my brother Arthur, by whom I bore my son Mordred."

"Sorry? You had a son with your brother?"

Morgaine raised an eyebrow, as if surprised by Madeleine's shock. "He was my half-brother. Arthur's mother was mortal, my mother was a fairy woman."

"No, that is still weird," insisted Madeleine.

"The ways of my world are not like yours," said Morgaine in protest.

"Just a bit too weird," said Madeleine. "I still think your the cutest girl in this place though."

God and Cosmic Evil, by Matthew Clarke (my fan fiction)

Another story about Big Finish character, Elizabeth Klein. Klein is a Nazi scientist from an alternate timeline and briefly a companion of the Seventh Doctor. This story is set between A Thousand Tiny Wings and Survival of the Fittest.





As they walked through the forest, Klein asked the Doctor what planet they were on.

"Knuhm," he replied.

"Knuhm? Is that not the name of the Egyptian deity whose temple we visited in ancient Egypt, in Elephantine?"

"Indeed, Klein. Having exhausted all the Roman gods, humans went on to name planets after Egyptian gods. The original inhabitants are all extinct, so what they called it, no one can say."

Klein's memory of ancient Egypt was a little foggy. "I remember entering the temple, but I can't remember anything after that."

"Yes, you were badly affected by race memories. An effect of encountering beings from your primordial past," said the Doctor.

The pair approached a ruined temple. There was something foreboding about it, a lingering sense of rancid evil.

"Shall we go and explore?" asked the Doctor.

"That is what we are here for, Herr Doctor," replied Klein, determined not to show any trepidation.

Though the temple was partially in ruins, it became apparent that much of it was very well preserved. It was decorated with many strange statues, some of them quite disturbing. There were winged serpents with many heads and masses of eyes, as well as monstrous bat-like creatures. There were also many carvings depicted vast armies engaged in bloody warfare, disemboweled corpses and hideous dog-like creatures tearing other beings apart.

Klein was not a superstitious person, but she was convinced that there was something absolutely evil about the place. Not just any evil, but a twisted, maddening horror. She thought she could hear a voice whispering through the air, saying 'Look out! We are coming back!' The place seemed to be playing tricks on her mind. Once or twice she even thought she could see fleeting images shifting before her.

"We've seen enough," said the Doctor. He led the way out of the temple.

"Doctor, what is this place?" Klein asked.

"Billions of years ago, when the universe was still young, my people experimented with black holes in order to gain mastery over time. They unwittingly opened a gateway to another universe, allowing in creatures called the Yssgaroth."

"What kind of creatures were they, Doctor?"

"It's not clear whether they were real beings or simply a force of negative energy antithetical to this cosmos. They usually manifested themselves as monstrous winged serpents like some of the statues in that temple. They desired only to destroy and corrupt this universe."

"If these things came from another universe with different physical laws, they must have been an unstoppable force," said Klein.

"They had a weakness. As their nature was antithetical to this universe, they were unable to remain in it for long. They found a solution to that, however."

The Doctor's face snarled as he explained these things. Clearly it was a subject that troubled him deeply.

"The Yssgaroth absorbed some of the biomatter of this universe and fashioned for themselves bodies of flesh. They became terrible creatures; giant bat-like monsters that feasted on blood."

"Vampires," whispered Klein with a shiver.

"That is where the legends originally came from. Not only did the Yssgaroth create bodies for themselves, but they also transformed and corrupted the biodata of many lifeforms in this universe, turning them into vampires. My people, the Time Lords were assaulted by a vast army of monsters. The vampires had allies too."

Despite being disturbed by these tales, Klein was fascinated. There was an epic quality to these legends, like one of Wagner's operas.

"Before this universe was born, there was another universe, a very different one. Some of its inhabitants survived its destruction and made their way into the new universe. They were known as the Great Old Ones, beings with terrible power. Among them were Yog-Sothoth, known as the Great Intelligence and Hastur the Unspeakable, known as Fenric. Fenric was the first of the Old Ones to make common cause with the Yssgaroth. Those wolf-like creatures in the temple carvings were his beasts. The Time Lords were almost overthrown by such power that was assailed against them. The war they fought across space lasted so long that it was known as the Eternal War."

"The Time Lords won this war?" asked Klein.

"They did, and it changed them forever. After facing such powers they had become gods and they saw fit to shape the universe as they pleased."

"Where does the temple come in to this?"

The Doctor frowned. "The Yssgaroth spread so far across the cosmos that they came to be worshipped on many planets. The original inhabitants of Knuhm erected temples like one to the Yssgaroth. There are even hidden cults amongst humanity that seek the return of their kind. There are always foolish beings who seek power from sources far beyond them. My big worry is that the new colonists on Knuhm may take too much interest in this temple. I suspect I may have to return here."


Klein dwelt upon the things the Doctor told her about the Eternal War and the Yssgaroth. The thought of such cosmic horrors had shaken her to the core. The things worshipped in that temple were pure evil. The universe now seemed a much darker place and from what the Doctor had told her, the host of Time Lords were almost as bleak as the monsters they had fought.

There had to be a God somewhere in this dark and treacherous universe. Klein had to believe that. She had never been a religious woman, but she was no atheist. Atheism was for Communists. In her timeline, Christianity had been in decline since the Third Reich's victory over Europe, though in the Sixties it had begun a resurgence.

Klein had never given the subject of God much thought. Her parents' true religion had been National Socialism, but they had still counted themselves as good Protestants and had her baptized and taken her to church on occasions. Perhaps with such evil things inhabiting the universe, she needed to give faith some more thought.

That night, after she had put on her nightgown, before climbing into bed, she knelt down and prayed.

"Dear God," Klein prayed. "I don't think I have prayed since I was a little girl, but I thought I had better start now. I have seen such evils in this universe. I have seen such chaos. The forces of good and right must triumph somehow. God in heaven, I believe you are real. Show your power and grant me the chance to restore the Third Reich to what it should be. Let me reclaim the destiny that should belong to my race and people."

Klein got into bed and drifted into sleep, confident that God would grant her prayer.

Two Biochemists in Arkham, by Matthew Clarke (my fan fiction)

A crossover with Batman. This is a sequel to The Rani in Arkham.


The Rani and Poison Ivy sat on a couch in the recreation room, kissing and cuddling. The two scientists had barely been able to stay away from each other since they had met in Arkham Asylum. It was not a little ironic, given that the Rani had been planning on kidnapping Ivy and using her in her biotech experiments.

Harley Quinn folded her arms and looked at the pair with disgust. She had thought she was Ivy's best girl. It felt very low.

Harley turned to Roxy Rocket who was sat nearby, trying impatiently to learn knitting.

"After all we've been through she dumps me for this dame?" she said. "Looks like I'm not crazy enough for Ivy. Obviously dating a psychopathic clown killer is not good enough. I should have been some loony who thinks she's a 'Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey' with two hearts! Why didn't I stick with Puddin?"


Poison Ivy withdrew her lips from her new lover. "Can you really turn people into trees?"

"Oh yes, darling," replied the Rani.

"I want to see you do that," said Ivy, imagining various possible subjects for such an experiment.

"When you help me break out of here, I'll show you. And you must see a Krynoid. It's a plant on a distant planet that infects animals. It turns them into a colossal vegetable monster that devours all animal life. The early stages of infection have a remarkable similarity to your own metabolism," said the Rani.

"You must help me get one!" cried Ivy.

"When we get to my TARDIS. In the meantime, you have me, my dear," said the Rani seductively.

The Magic of Morgaine, by Matthew Clarke (my fan fiction)

Another story about Morgaine's perpetual imprisonment after Battlefield.

Madeleine Issigri is from the Troughton story, The Space Pirates


Ganymede Correctional Facility 2192

As Morgaine passionately kissed her, Madeleine felt a blast of energy course through her body. The energy seemed to transform every cell in her body, bringing it into a new harmony with the cosmos. It was as though she were being thrust out of her normal course and caught up in a cosmic river. The touch of Morgaine's lips seemed to connect her to the fabric of the very universe.

As Morgaine slowly moved away from her, Madeleine felt so relaxed, so calm, as though she were at peace with the whole universe. She lay on her futon, savouring the experience.

"That feeling- that was magic, wasn't it?" she asked Morgaine.

"Yes, my pretty thing, I'm channelling all my love and joy throuhg you by magic."

"It feels so lovely." Madeleine was curious to know more about her cellmate's strange power.

"You can do that, but you can't use your other powers, can you?"

Morgaine smiled at her. "Very true, my lovely. My powers are restricted by the magic inscription on the walls of this prison," she said, pointing to the strange marks on the walls. "Yet I can still channel my feelings through magic and I can also heal minds and bodies. You know as I do how much some of the women here have needed that."

Madeleine did indeed. Her time in prison had made her realise how privileged she was with her bourgeois background. So many of the women in the prison had experienced years of drug addiction, domestic abuse and plain poverty. Morgaine's healing power had enabled them to know the comfort and beauty of a world far beyond them.

Madeleine was still curious. "So those marks on the wall. What difference do they actually make?"

Morgaine laughed and rose up from the cell floor, "Let me explain them to you. Those markings are writing in the language of the Elder Folk."

"Elder Folk?"

"You probably call them fairies," explained Morgaine.

"Right," said a bemused Madeleine. Never in her wildest dreams did she imagine she would be sharing a prison cell and passionately in love with an immortal sorceress who believed in fairies. Sometimes she had to remind herself that she was in a prison and not a mental hospital.

Her girlfriend continued. "These symbols here; that is Morgaine, my name. Speaking or writing somebody's name gives you a certain power over them. Now if I only knew the real name of Merlin..."

"So what's the next set of symbols?" asked an intrigued Madeleine.

"Those symbols spell the word 'command.' You always have to include them in a magic formula. The next means 'bind' and the final word is 'forbid.' The sum of this formula is to create a magic barrier around the prison. Within it cannot use my magic powers, nor can I leave without permission."

"Is there no way to escape it?" asked Madeleine.

"Perhaps there is, but would that be either right or wise? I dare say that you could find a way to escape this prison. Would you do that? If you were caught you would be sent here again, and for much longer. Besides, you know the things you did were wrong. You accept your punishment," her cellmate replied.

"I suppose so, though I can't imagine being here as long as you have been. I have less than a year to serve."

"And I shall miss you very much when you are gone. You are another reason I do not escape now," said Morgaine with a broad grin. She settled down on the synthgrass mat on the cell floor.

"So what could you do if the barrier wasn't there? Could you turn the guards into toads?"

Morgaine raised an eyebrow. "I suppose I could. I haven't ever thought about turning somebody into a toad. It is a little more complex than you might imagine. I could do all manner of things. I can disappear and appear in another place, I can force the wills of others, I can read minds, I can create magic fire, I can turn people into dust and with the necessary formulas, I can summon demons."

"I'm glad you can't summon any demons in here right now, they sound rather frightful."

"Yes, they are rather frightful my dear," said Morgaine, wriggling her toes.

"I never believed in magic. I never imagined such things could be real."

"I am not sure if there is any magic in your universe," said Morgaine with a frown. "Merlin's kind are like gods in this world. They have shaped it since it was young. They feared things like magic, things that they could not shape and control. They removed such elements from the universe. Even the Elder Folk were banished from this universe by Merlin's race."

"I always thought of Merlin as somebody who used magic," said a puzzled Madeleine.

"In his own way, he does use magic, though he fears it like all of his kind. That is one of the reasons why he keeps me shut up in prison."

"Does everybody in your universe use magic?"

Morgaine looked disgusted at this suggestion. "Certainly not, I am of a special breed. My mother was one of the Elder Folk, a fairy. I have all of the magic of her race. I have also gained much power from the elements of my world, its sea, its air and its red earth. Though I cannot use my power, it is still a part of my very flesh and soul."

"I don't suppose you have enough power to make the food here taste any better?"

Morgaine laughed a deep rich laugh. "If only I did. That would make these long years of imprisonment much easier to bear."

The Rani in Arkham, by Matthew Clarke (my fan fiction)

A Doctor Who/ Batman crossover.


Dr. Jeremiah Arkham turned to his secretary. "Have them send that new patient to consulting room 8. I want to see her."

"The one who calls herself 'the Rani?' Her paperwork was a nightmare to complete, doctor. No real name, no date of birth, no past addresses. We don't even know her nationality."

Jeremiah Arkham narrowed his eyes. "She claims to be an alien from another planet. And a time traveller to boot."

"I did see her medical report. I could hardly believe she has two hearts and not a drop of human blood!" said his secretary.

"I would remind you that Pamela Islee has vegetable soup for blood. And our Waylon Jones is barely human. No, Tina, this is just another case of a mutant with a personality complex," he replied.


As Jeremiah made his way through the harshly lit corridors of Arkham Asylum, he looked through glass doors at the many men and women held there. Nearly all of them eccentrics who had put on costumes and committed bizarre crimes. They were becoming so common that psychologists were talking about 'Gotham Syndrome,' a condition that caused people to develop colourful alter egos and to style themselves as super-crooks. It was his thankless task to awaken these deluded freaks to the real world.


Consulting room 8 was a sparse room with a high barred window. It was furnished with just two chairs. There was no table; Jeremiah needed to observe the posture of his patients when he interviewed them.

The Rani was dragged in by two female nurses and placed unceremoniously in a chair. Her arms were bound up in a straitjacket, beneath which she was shaking with rage.

"Get this thing off me," howled the Rani, struggling with her straitjacket.

"I can, if you promise not to give me any trouble," said Jeremiah. At once, one of the nurses cautiously began to unstrap the patient. "If you do give me trouble, the jacket goes on again and you go into a padded cell under heavy sedation. Is that clear?"

The Rani nodded glumly. She was an attractive woman with a heart-shaped face and long brown hair. He guessed she might be in her late thirties, but with her abnormal physiology, it was impossible to say. She had something of a haughty arrogant look in her eyes. Like the other patients at Arkham Asylum, she had been dressed in green pyjamas and soft foam slippers. She had an ID tag on her wrist.

"I understand you claim to be of a race called the Time Lords and to come from the planet Gallifrey. That is quite an extraordinary claim, Ms. Rani," said Jeremiah.

"You put me throught the humiliation of a medical examination. It should be rather obvious to you that I am not human," she replied.

Jeremiah smiled. "We have a lot of patients hear who have physical abnormalities. Mutations, freaks of nature. It's a leading cause of what is known as 'Gotham Syndrome,' by which people develop delusions of grandeur and don costumes to commit bizarre crimes. Might I suggest that being born with this very distinctive cardiovascular system of yours led you to become convinced that you were an alien from another world?"

"Nonsense. I can assure you that I was born on Gallifrey and have travelled to this world through time and space," insisted the Rani.

This was not getting anywhere. Jeremiah was going to have to shift the focus of this interview.

"If you are from another world, another time, what brought you to Gotham City? I'm sure there were a lot of other times and places you could go," he said.

"Not for pleasure, I can assure you. I came because of one of your former patients, Pamela Islee, better known as Poison Ivy."

"Ah, Pamela," said Jeremiah. "And what is your interest in that most unusual lady?"

"I came across historical records referring to her. Somehow this human came to obtain one of the most unusual physiologies I have come across. She is a stable fusion of plant and mammal biology. The crude tinkering that you would call scientific research somehow created this biochemical oddity. Her value to my own research is immense. Such a biological fusion could mean incredible breakthroughs in bio-engineering. Not that those in your time would have any understanding of such possibilities," said the Rani.

"So you are a scientist, then? How interesting," said Jeremiah. He made a mental note of this. Scientists these days were constantly having freak accidents and turning into monsters and supercrooks. If this woman was indeed a scientist, it only confirmed his suspicion that her abnormalities were a mutation.

"So did you contact Miss Islee?" he asked.

The Rani sneered. "I doubt she would have agreed to come onboard my timeship and become a willing subject of my research. No, I needed to capture her. I did some research. I trawled through the squalor of Gotham's filthiest bars, talking to the lowest dregs of your society."

Jeremiah made a sour expression. "That can't have been a pleasant experience."

The Rani continued. "It discovered that the criminal classes of your city were expecting Poison Ivy to make a move. An English artist, Amelia Ducat was holding an exhibition in Gotham City's art gallery."

Jeremiah nodded. "Ah, yes. Amelia Ducat. Renowned for her paintings of flowers. I can imagine that would peak Miss Islee's interest."

"Everyone who knew Poison Ivy expected her to try to steal the paintings. Some of the near-apes I talked to were hoping that Ivy might be looking for hired help. Others were wary. They expected the mysterious vigilante known as the Batman to try and stop Ivy," explained the Rani.

"He does tend to do that," said Jeremiah.

"A plan formed in my mind. I guessed that if this supposedly amazing crime fighter did intervene, Ivy might be vulnerable after the struggle. I decided to lie in wait at Gotham's art gallery every night, until Ivy made her move and the Batman tried to stop her. I have hunted some of my the most fearsome beasts in the cosmos. I know about stealth tactics."

"Did you encounter Ivy?"

The Rani snarled. "That wretched Batman somehow got wind of my night vigils and got to me first. It was incredible. A black shadow just appeared as if from nowhere. Before I could put up a fight, I was handcuffed to the railing with a note for the police left at my side. Then they brought me here."

"It seems to me that they sent you to the right place. While you are here you will receive a course of therapy for your criminally insane delusions."

"I'm not deluded!" wailed the Rani.

Jeremiah ignored her. "In case you are wondering, the Batman had Poison Ivy brought in here as well after he caught her. Perhaps the two of you will get on."

The Rani jumped up and was about to pounce on the doctor, when the two nurses grabbed her and pulled the straitjacket back on.

"Take her to the rubber room," ordered Jeremiah. "Give her a heavy sedation. She needs it." The Rani was duly dragged away.



"How did you get on with the new patient?" asked Jeremiah's secretary when he returned to his office.

"Quite delusional. Turns out she tried to take on both Poison Ivy and the Batman. These supervillains are getting crazier by the dozen," he said. "What was she wearing when they brought her in?"

"Oh, a red tunic with massive shoulder pads, tight red trousers and big spike-heeled boots," replied his secretary.

"Typical super-crook outfit. And 'the Rani?' What a strange pseudonym. She didn't even look Indian. I am quite sure she will be in our care for a very long time."

Nice Try, Klein, by Matthew Clarke (my fan fiction)

Another story about Big Finish character, Elizabeth Klein. Klein is a Nazi scientist from an alternate timeline and briefly a companion of the Seventh Doctor. This story is set between A Thousand Tiny Wings and Survival of the Fittest.


Klein crept out of bed and tiptoed down the TARDIS corridor, barefoot and in her nightdress. The lights of the TARDIS were dimmed. Time was meaningless inside the ship, yet it had its own artificial cycle of day and night.

Silently, Klein entered the console room.

At last, she had the controls all to herself. She had watched the Doctor so closely. She had seen him guide its journeys countless times. Every move he made, every switch he pushed had not gone unobserved.

Now was her chance to recapture her destiny. She worked the coordinates into the machine, setting it for 1940s Germany. If she could get back to the Third Reich, she could hand over the ship, hand over the Doctor as prisoner and enable the full restoration of her timeline. The victory of the Allies could be erased from history.

The time rota began to rise and fall in a slow rhythm.

The door opened and in walked the Doctor. Did that infuriating little man never sleep?

"Klein, what are you doing at this hour? Rather late, don't you think?"

"I was having trouble sleeping, Herr Doctor."

The Doctor smiled. "You wouldn't by any chance be setting the TARDIS for the Second World War, would you?"

Klein couldn't be bothered to lie. "And if I am? You know what I want, Doctor."

"Why don't we see where we have got to, Klein?" The Doctor studied the hexagonal console.

"Ah, we have arrived on Pluto, Earth year 1975. If you want to put on an environment suit, we can have a look around. Or would you rather try and get some more sleep first?"

"Very well, Doctor. I'll go back to bed, then we explore Pluto in the morning."

Klein padded softly back to her room. She had missed her destination, but she was not far off. She was in the Twentieth Century and she was in Earth's solar system. Just a little more study and she would be equal to the Doctor in her knowledge of the ship.

'Soon, Herr Doctor. Soon we will be even,' she thought to herself.