Mad Dogs and Englishmen, by Paul Magrs (BBC novel)

Mad Dogs and Englishmen is not just a funny novel, it is laugh-out loud funny. I don't think any Doctor Who novel has made me laugh as much as this one.

This novel is mostly about poking fun at popular science fiction and fantasy. There is a character who is clearly based on J.R. Tolkien, a humourless academic who has written a vast epic about elves and goblins. The central premise of the plot is that the timeline has been altered so that the epic is now about talking poodles (who are in fact real). We also get a good deal of Star Wars parody. There is an hilarious moment when the poodle princess sends a message proclaiming "you are my only hope." George Lucas also has his stand-in as a film director who loves playing with toys and who regards all the boys and girls who watch his films as his friends. He earns the enmity of a character who stands in for Ray Harryhausen by replacing the animatronic effects in his films with CGI. Yet we also have a character from the real world; Noel Coward, who has been obtained the power to travel in time with a pair of magic pinking shears.

Mad Dogs and Englishmen is wonderfully written; it so light and easy to read. The plot is remarkably complex and does not make a lot of sense, but I didn't find myself caring. This book is gloriously bonkers and revels in its own silliness.

We get a return appearance from Iris Wildthyme, who is never actually named. This time she is in an incarnation that is clearly modeled on Shirley Bassey. Perhaps her appearance in this story is a surprise given that the previous novel, Adventuress of Henrietta Street had featured the Master. At this point, the BBC novels were wanting to jettison existing continuity as a source of stories. There is a degree of inconsistency at work here, because the Doctor has no memory of Iris or other Time Lords, despite his previous encounter with the Master.

The regulars are done really well here. The Doctor comes across as knowing what is going on all the time, but keeping quiet just because he enjoys the fun of investigating. Anji is really smart, sassy and very likable here. Fitz seems determined to enjoy himself regardless of how bizarre the adventure turns out to be. There is a wonderfully insane moment when the talking poodles force the Doctor, Anji and Fitz to strip naked, wear collars and walk on all fours. When they protest they are told "Bad people!" It's a delightfully camp scene.

As with other BBC novels set after Ancestor Cell, the presence of magic is very pronounced. There is no explanation for how Noel Coward's magic pinking shears work or how the animatronic monsters are able to come to life. These things are written so well that you don't really stop to think about them or question them.

There is a little bit of excessive violence towards the end and a surprising reference to bestiality, but none of this detracts from the light-hearted tone. This is a novel that I enjoyed immensely.

Twilight of the Gods, by Mark Clapham (Bernice Summerfield novel)

Twilight of the Gods was the last in the series of Bernice Summerfield novels published by Virgin. It provided a resolution of several story and character arcs within the series. Perhaps I was at something of a disadvantage in reading it, as I had only read two of the Benny novels before, Down, by Lawrence Miles and Dead Romance, also by Lawrence Miles.

I think if you read Dead Romance as part of the Faction Paradox range, as I did and therefore saw that story as a standalone, you will be massively disappointed by Twilight of the Gods. Dead Romance was simply an amazing novel, one of the best I have ever read. While it touches on Doctor Who, it is something that can stand on its own merit. I find it incredibly difficult to integrate the epic cosmic horror of Dead Romance with the very average sci-fi plot of Twilight of the Gods. They feel like two different fictional universes (though perhaps if I had read the novels in between the two books I would not feel this way).

Twilight of the Gods provides an explanation of who the gods of Dead Romance are and shows them battling for supremacy on the planet Dellah. For me this completely undermined Dead Romance. In the Miles novel, the gods were a mysterious and terrifying unseen force. Here, they are a bunch of squabbling, incompetent aliens, whose leader talks like an American television presenter.

Twilight of the Gods is for the most part a reasonably decent story, but it lacks either the celebratory mood or the epic climax necessary to conclude a lengthy series of novels. The novel also lacks the sense of cosmic apocalypse that its theme demands.

Quinnis, by Marc Platt (Big Finish Companion Chronicle)

This is the first of the companion chronicles that I have heard. I found it quite easy to listen to. The narrated format probably makes for an easier listening experience than a lot of the Big Finish full-cast audio dramas.

You know what, Quinnis is the first Marc Platt story that I have ever actually enjoyed. While I am a big Seventh Doctor fan, I don't think much of Ghost Light. A lot of fans rave about Spare Parts, but that story did not impress me much at all. However, Quinnis worked fine for me. It was not a big heavy epic story, but a nice easy story with just a hint of darkness. It is also really interesting to get a pre-Unearthly Child story in which Susan and her grandfather are travelling alone.

Quinnis, located in the 'Fourth Universe' was mentioned in Edge of Destruction. Platt takes this throw-away line and builds a quite vivid world. Quinnis is wonderfully described, with a town built on a series of viaducts leading nowhere. The monstrous bird-like Shrazers feel quite nightmarish, like something from folklore. There is a real fairytale quality to this story that reflects both the First and Seventh Doctor era. The Shrazers operate as much on a level of metaphor as reality.

I am one of Susan's rare fans. A lot of fans really dislike the poor girl, but the fact that she is the Doctor's granddaughter makes her really special. For all the limitations of Carole Ann Ford's acting ability, she did give Susan a delightfully ethereal quality that suited her well. Here Carole Ann Ford does a great job of reprising her old role and also providing an adequate, if not brilliant impression of Hartnell's Doctor. Susan is characterized as desperately lonely for companionship and it is this that gets her into trouble. It is also this incident that leads the Doctor to believe that Susan needs a more structured and disciplined life (though that is a little at odds with his contempt for the school in An Unearthly Child).

Alongside Carole Ann Ford is her real-life daughter, Tara-Louise Kaye, who plays a girl that Susan befriends. This girl turns out to be more than she seems. Kaye plays this role very well, giving the character a really disturbing edge, while still allowing the listener the possibility of sympathizing with her.

While the Doctor is far from heroic in this story, he is a much more sympathetic than the sinister Machiavellian scoundrel we saw in An Unearthly Child. This is perhaps a little disappointing. On the other hand, it is lovely to hear him blustering his way out of trouble.

For me this was a lovely introduction to the Companion Chronicles and a fantastic Big Finish production.

Azshara wants a Doctor pt2

The second part of my Doctor Who/ World of Warcraft crossover.


The Doctor doubted he had been in a room this size since leaving Gallifrey. It truly was magnificent. At the far end of the palace lounge, a group of scantily-clad night elves were performing a frenzied dance routine. Their gyrations were a wonder to behold.

The Doctor reclined on a couch. Azshara sat with him, with one leg positioned over his seductively. She planted a kiss on him at every opportunity. It had been a long time since anybody had been so enamoured of the Doctor.

"Tell me, Doctor, is your world as beautiful as this one?" asked the night elf queen.

"Certainly, my dear. The sky is a burnt orange and the leaves on the trees are silver. The Capitol, the great city is a wonder of glass and marble, with many picturesque spires and domes," he replied.

The Doctor was certainly enjoying Azshara's attentions. Her blue skin and long pointed ears were a little odd and her naked feet were surprisingly large, but she was was undeniably beautiful. She was clearly in love with him, though it was an odd kind of love. Her mind did not seem to be able to distinguish her desire for him and her desire for his vast knowledge and mastery of time travel. For all that Azshara was beautiful, the Doctor was convinced she was vain, self-absorbed and at least a little bit stupid. She also had a terrible dress sense with that skimpy dress and those tasteless pink jewels. No Time Lady would have worn such an outfit.

"Grandfather!" came a voice from the other side of the room. Susan skipped barefoot into the room with her usual girlish enthusiasm. Azshara silently cursed with rage at the arrival of the Doctor's wretched granddaughter.

"I've had such a wonderful time today, grandfather," said Susan. "You know I got to ride this massive Saber-toothed cat. It was rather frightening, but it was very fun once I got used to it. I also met a druid. He gave me a really interesting lesson in how magic works. This universe really is quite different to our, grandfather."

The Doctor heard nothing of what Susan said to him. He was too distracted by the shock of her outfit. His granddaughter was wearing only a leather bikini and loincloth. Most of her bottom was exposed to the world. She also wore a bracelet on her thigh.

"My child, I really don't think you ought to be wearing something that leaves so little to the imagination, especially not at your age," he managed to say.

"But all the Kaldorei girls dress like this," protested Susan.

"I noticed some of the Kaldorei ladies are dressed rather more modestly, like Queen Azshara here," said the Doctor. As he said this, he was painfully aware that Azshara's minimalist dress was barely any improvement on Susan's bikini and loincloth.

Azshara was quite amused by this exchange. She clapped her hand and a maidservant approached.

"Worthy Doctor, you have the sensibilities of a dwarf," said the queen. She turned to the maid. "Go to Lady Vashj. Instruct her to find a dress for this youngling," she instructed.

Susan made a sulking expression and followed the maid.

Glad to be rid of the girl, Azshara returned her attention to the Doctor.

"I have waited a long time to find a suitable mate, Doctor. None of the males of my own people could ever suffice. You shall give me children who have your wisdom, nobility and dignity," she said.

The Doctor was really not sure he needed any more children. His granddaughter, Susan, was a handful enough on her own.

"You must stay here and rule at my side, Doctor. You can give me the wisdom I need to purify this world and rid it of imperfection," said the queen.

"I think, my dear, there is something to be said for imperfection," said the Doctor. "Take me for instance, I'm hardly the most impressive looking specimen to grace this world? Hmmm?"

Azshara seemed surprised by this suggestion.

The Doctor continued. "Or take your dress for instance. On some worlds, that dress would be considered quite scandalous and very much imperfect. Yet here it is considered to be very much the thing to wear for ladies."

Azshara had never considered such a notion.

"I rather fear, my dear, that your notion of imperfection is people who ask too many awkward questions about your rule," said the Doctor with a smile.



As the Doctor and Susan returned to the TARDIS, Azshara followed after them.

"You cannot leave me behind here, Doctor!" pleaded Azshara. "I need your wisdom, your power, your knowledge."

"I am sorry but my destiny lies there," said the Doctor, pointing to the Well of Eternity. "Your destiny lies with your people. Do rule them sensibly, my dear."

"If you cannot stay, take me with you! I could be your companion. We could travel together through time and space! You can show me the wonders of many worlds!"

"I really don't think so," said the Doctor and closed the TARDIS door.

With a wheezing, groaning sound, the statue of Azshara disappeared, leaving the original alone in her imperfect world.


Inside the TARDIS, the Doctor snorted at the absurdity of Azshara's suggestion. Take a companion? Travelling with his granddaughter was company enough. The very cheek of it!

Azshara wants a Doctor Pt1

A Doctor Who/ World of Warcraft crossover.

Azshara queen of the night elves uses her magic to lure a powerful being to Azeroth. But instead of Sargeras, it turns out to be the First Doctor.

Note: This is a pre-Unearthly Child story. The TARDIS is not yet stuck as a police box.



Azshara watched anxiously as the Night Elf highborne focused their magical energy onto the Well of Eternity. The portal they had created crackled and swirled with sorcerous power.

It was Azshara's plan to bring to Azeroth a great and powerful god; one who would marry her, rule at her side and rid the world of imperfection. As the magical force in the Well of Eternity intensified, she could sense the god's presence.

Azshara was startled when she heard a strange wheezing, groaning sound. It sounded quite abhorrent to her long pointed ears, but she sensed that it heralded the god's arrival.

Something began to materialise before the Well of Eternity. To her amazement, she beheld a statue of herself. It was identical to countless statues across Zin-Azshari. It was hued from the finest granite. It was dressed exactly as she was, in a sleeveless gown split at the side, exposing her shapely thigh. Its stone feet were bare.

What greater honour could the god bestow upon her but to send an image of a very form? Truly this being from beyond the cosmos had accepted her devotion!

The night elf queen was even more surprised when a door seemed to open in the statue. Two strange creatures stepped out. They both had peculiar skin in a colour that Azshara found difficult to describe. Their ears were tiny and rounded. One of them was old and wizened with white hair. He walked with the aid of a stick. The other appeared much younger and was clearly female, despite her alien appearance.

"So we've come to a different universe, grandfather?" asked the female being.

"Hmmm,yes, my child. We seem to be making a habit of it since visiting Quinnis in the Fourth Universe. This one appears to be a quite different place," replied the old one.

Azshara boldly approached the two strangers, her jewelery tinkling as she moved daintily on her bare feet.

"Greetings, great lord from beyond," said Azshara. "Welcome to this world. I am Azshara, queen of all the Kaldorei. You do me great honour in arriving in a vessel shaped in my own likeness."

The old one smiled.

"Yes, it changes shape when it arrives. I do think it does quite nicely in that one."

Despite his aged and humble-looking appearance, Azshara knew that the old one was a being with tremendous wisdom and terrific power. She felt love arising in her heart already. She had to win him and learn his secrets!

"May I ask your name, great lord?" asked the night elf queen.

"Yes, of course. I am the Doctor," he replied. He gestured to his female companion. "And this is my granddaughter, Susan."

Susan gave the night elf queen a shy smile. Azshara looked at the girl and decided she absolutely hated her. Why did the great lord Doctor have to arrive in the company of such a pathetic little girl?

"I offer you both the hospitality of my palace. You are honoured guests in my lands."

Azshara summoned her highborne to her side. They bowed low before the Doctor and Susan.

"Lady Vashj here will show your granddaughter the sights of Zin-Azshari and introduce her to suitable young companions. I am sure she will enjoy that. Then you and I can talk of great things, Doctor," said Azshara.

Susan protested. "I'd much rather stay with my grandfather, if you don't mind," she said.

"Nonsense, child," said the Doctor. "You go off and have fun. I think Azshara and I have adult things to talk about." He winked at the night elf queen.

Susan sighed and followed Lady Vashj. Azshara took the Doctor's hand and began to lead him towards the palace.

The Doctor found all this very amusing. These Kaldorei creatures seemed to think he was some sort of god. They were clearly a primitive and superstitious people. On the other hand, their queen seemed to be taking a very personal interest in him. He had absolutely no objection to that. This was looking like a very stimulating trip.

The Ultimate Treasure, by Christopher Bulis (BBC novel)

Quest stories are great for lazy writers. Just give the characters an objective, an opponent, some obstacles to face and throw in a twist or two to make it interesting. It is a banal strategy, but quite often it actually makes for an enjoyable story. Doctor Who has given us a few quest stories, most notably The Keys of Marinus and The Five Doctors. Christopher Bulis manages to pull this off rather well. Admittedly, it feels like it is aimed at younger readers and it is rather slow to get going, but halfway through it is a fairly exciting, if unadventurous read.

This is a Fifth Doctor and Peri novel. That is what got me reading it, as I am quite a 5/Peri fan, even though I admit the improbability and silliness of a gap between Planet of Fire and Caves of Androzani. Both Doctor and companion are characterised very well. Bulis manages to maintain the sense that Peri is new to the business of travelling in time and space. That said, he rather fails to capture the bleak and tragic feeling of Season 21. This feels in general like a positive and upbeat book that contrasts quite a bit with the televised story that follows it. In particular, Bulis gives us a silly retcon regarding Kamelion that rather undermines the tragic narrative of Season 21.

The Ultimate Treasure has a great cast of characters. The police officer,Myra Jaharnus is notably strong, but Alpha the villain is also interesting. Dexel Dynes the reporter is a bit of a caricature, but he is still very fun. The scene in which he interviews one of the criminal goons is very amusing.

That the treasure turns out to be something other than what is expected is no surprise. This novel borrows rather obviously from The Five Doctors in it's resolution.

This is not a deep or clever novel, but it does offer an easy, fun and undemanding read.

The Doctor, the Widow and the Wardrobe

Another year, another Christmas special, another story that I hate.

I am a massive fan of CS Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia. I actually write fan fiction about Jadis, my favorite character. It was naturally of some interest that the latest Christmas special takes inspiration from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Doctor Who has often thrived when borrowing influences from other stories and genres. This works best when it is done almost unconsciously; this is quite the opposite. In The Doctor, the Widow and the Wardrobe, as with the previous Christmas special, the influences are shouted out over the rooftops.

It is quite clear to me that Moffat does not have a clue what makes the Narnia books so amazing and enjoyable. For a start, the Narnia books are a parent-free zone. The Pevensie parents only make a brief appearance at the end of The Last Battle, they are absent throughout the Chronicles of Narnia. The Narnia books are all about the children having adventures on their own. In contrast, the two evacuees in this story are accompanied by their mother. Their mother enters the strange forest world and the story turns out to be all about parenthood. The last season has shown that Moffat has a peculiar fixation with the theme of fatherhood. While it is a relief to see motherhood getting a mention in this story, it jars completely with the Narnian theme. For Moffat, the idea of children existing independently of a parental relations is simply anathema. In his fictional world, children can have no real existence except within the smothering confines of parental affection. In his book, children just need their daddy and then everything is right with the world.

The second failure to appreciate the Narnia books is in the way the fictional world is presented. Narnia was fascinating because of it's strange inhabitants. The forest world of this story is undoubtedly beautiful, but it feels empty and uninteresting. In fact, it creates no sense of wonder or majesty, but quickly becomes a place of melancholy and terror. On the plus side, the wooden king and queen look amazing, with their delightful folklorish quality, but they are not sufficient to make up for the otherwise hollowness of the forest world.

It is refreshing to see some attempt to deal with the pain and loss in warfare; but this is completely undermined by the resurrection of the children's father. While it came as no surprise and made for an happy ending, it seemed hollow, and almost a denial of the reality of death. I am sure it would have been very upsetting to children watching who had lost their parents and who could expect no return of their lost loved ones. Going back to the issue of motherhood, it also seemed to undermine the attempt to present Janet as a strong capable woman. She was presented as strong and determined, but there was still the suggestion that she was lost without her husband. If you are going to praise motherhood, why not show that mothers can be strong and bring up their children after widowhood as so many mothers had to do in the Second World War?

As for the Doctor, we are served up yet again another portrayal of the Doctor as a Mary Poppins figure who makes everything right for everybody and who appears whenever people wish for him. Does anybody else miss the days when the Doctor was bad-tempered, selfish and a bit scary?

Don't get your hopes up for the next season of Doctor Who.

Earth Aid, by Ben Aaronovitch (Big Finish Lost Story)

This story was built around a proposed opening scene in which Ace is unsuccessfully impersonating the captain of a starship. This premise leads on to what is essentially a parody of Star Trek: Next Generation. Making a parody of Star Trek back in 1989 would have had a caustic note. Back then Doctor Who was a struggling program, unpopular with both fans and public, while Star Trek: Next Generation was proving a massive hit.

It's a bit jarring to see Ace struggling with trying to captain a starship after reading the New Adventures. The NA Ace would have been totally at ease in that situation. It is a bit disappointing that after the strength of character shown by Ace in her two televised seasons, she is unable to summon up any confidence here. She is written as really stupid in this story. I won't go into the question of whether Ace would have actually watched Next Generation before leaving earth, as it is perfectly possible the Doctor has the DVD collection on the TARDIS. The Doctor is also made into a moron, with him breaking down as he is 'taunted to death.' We have had enough stories where the Doctor is put on a guilt trip for this to be in any way interesting. Raine is rather sidelined for much of the story. Doc Oho points out that she sounds an awful lot like Bonnie Langford in this story, which rather fits with the comic tone.

Earth Aid was a really unimpressive story. It tries to hard to be funny and ends up overdoing it. The plot is badly thought out and fails to deliver anything of interest. The idea of a sentient planet is a really interesting one, as is the charitable organisation, Earth Aid, but these ideas are never given any time or thought. It's remarkable that a writer as strong as Ben Aaronovitch would write something so bad. Does he just not care that much about Doctor Who these days?

This story has the Metatraxi cropping up once again. The way these stories are built around a central story arc, as well as the presence of a few timey-wimey moments is remarkably reminiscent of Moffat Who. It is almost like Cartmel had watched the first Moffat season and thought "Yes! That's how Doctor Who should be done!" I beg to differ.

These 'Season 27' stories have been the biggest disappointment I have ever had with Doctor Who. None of them is in the least bit inspiring. As I said in an earlier review, for me the real Season 27 was the New Adventures. Forget everything Big Finish has done with Ace, none of it is at all interesting. The New Adventures took up Ace where Survival left and did amazing things with the character. These stories have done nothing to add to the character. The addition of Raine is just candy, and its candy I don't care for much.

Vanishing Point, by Stephen Cole (BBC novel)

Did Stephen Cole really co-write the underwhelming Ancestor Cell? This book is so much better!

This is not a light-hearted book. It deals with serious themes, most notably that of religious belief. It is also very violent (though some of the Virgin NAs are more graphic). All of the characters are continuously put in physical danger and they have to be ruthless and violent just to survive. This actually led me to feel really involved in the book, reading each page with worry about how the characters were going to get through. I seldom find Doctor Who novels as engaging as this.

The society depicted in Vanishing Point feels so much more real than societies in other Doctor Who stories. This is a world in which there are hospitals and police, where people get into trouble for being late for work, where low-paid women have to prostitute themselves to pay the bills, where people have affairs and where there are mentally and physically disabled people. The last point being of particular significance. We have an whole group of people with learning disabilities in this story. How often do we find disabled people in Doctor Who other than a crippled or deformed villain? The writer even departs from convention and has Fitz having sex with one of the disabled girls.

Not only does the planet in Vanishing Point feel like a real place, but the characters feel so convincing and believable. You really feel for Etty with her tragic background and fearfulness, for Nathaniel with his doubts and confusion and for Vettul with her loneliness and frustration. These are characters the reader can understand and identify with. The two companions also come across very well; with Anji contemplating belief in God and Fitz getting involved with Vettul. Whatever one thinks of his going to bed with Vettul, it is done believably.

We see the 8th Doctor in this story as we have never seen him before. Right at the start of the book, he jumps right into the action. He is hardly ever portrayed as so decisive, determined and strong. He is a Doctor who protects the vulnerable and stands for justice. He is also prepared to use violence when he has to. This is a Doctor that evildoers really would fear. One thing that is interesting is that in this novel the Doctor defends the status quo and works with the authorities, even though they are clearly quite flawed. While in stories like Happiness Patrol and The Sunmakers, the Doctor overthrows the Powers-that-be, here he attempts to uphold society.

Where the book does not do so well is in its handling of the big themes. While the discussion about faith in God is interesting, it makes the common error of thinking that faith is incompatible with proof or certainty. The Greek word for faith (pistis) means the same thing as belief. All of us believe lots of things that can be proved and which we are certain about. The New Testament would use the same word faith to refer to those beliefs. The hard science stuff about genetics comes across as rather incomprehensible. I understand the concept of 'junk DNA' is actually quite inaccurate.