Two Biochemists in Arkham, by Matthew Clarke (my fan fiction)

A crossover with Batman. This is a sequel to The Rani in Arkham.


The Rani and Poison Ivy sat on a couch in the recreation room, kissing and cuddling. The two scientists had barely been able to stay away from each other since they had met in Arkham Asylum. It was not a little ironic, given that the Rani had been planning on kidnapping Ivy and using her in her biotech experiments.

Harley Quinn folded her arms and looked at the pair with disgust. She had thought she was Ivy's best girl. It felt very low.

Harley turned to Roxy Rocket who was sat nearby, trying impatiently to learn knitting.

"After all we've been through she dumps me for this dame?" she said. "Looks like I'm not crazy enough for Ivy. Obviously dating a psychopathic clown killer is not good enough. I should have been some loony who thinks she's a 'Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey' with two hearts! Why didn't I stick with Puddin?"


Poison Ivy withdrew her lips from her new lover. "Can you really turn people into trees?"

"Oh yes, darling," replied the Rani.

"I want to see you do that," said Ivy, imagining various possible subjects for such an experiment.

"When you help me break out of here, I'll show you. And you must see a Krynoid. It's a plant on a distant planet that infects animals. It turns them into a colossal vegetable monster that devours all animal life. The early stages of infection have a remarkable similarity to your own metabolism," said the Rani.

"You must help me get one!" cried Ivy.

"When we get to my TARDIS. In the meantime, you have me, my dear," said the Rani seductively.

The Rani in Arkham, by Matthew Clarke (my fan fiction)

A Doctor Who/ Batman crossover.


Dr. Jeremiah Arkham turned to his secretary. "Have them send that new patient to consulting room 8. I want to see her."

"The one who calls herself 'the Rani?' Her paperwork was a nightmare to complete, doctor. No real name, no date of birth, no past addresses. We don't even know her nationality."

Jeremiah Arkham narrowed his eyes. "She claims to be an alien from another planet. And a time traveller to boot."

"I did see her medical report. I could hardly believe she has two hearts and not a drop of human blood!" said his secretary.

"I would remind you that Pamela Islee has vegetable soup for blood. And our Waylon Jones is barely human. No, Tina, this is just another case of a mutant with a personality complex," he replied.


As Jeremiah made his way through the harshly lit corridors of Arkham Asylum, he looked through glass doors at the many men and women held there. Nearly all of them eccentrics who had put on costumes and committed bizarre crimes. They were becoming so common that psychologists were talking about 'Gotham Syndrome,' a condition that caused people to develop colourful alter egos and to style themselves as super-crooks. It was his thankless task to awaken these deluded freaks to the real world.


Consulting room 8 was a sparse room with a high barred window. It was furnished with just two chairs. There was no table; Jeremiah needed to observe the posture of his patients when he interviewed them.

The Rani was dragged in by two female nurses and placed unceremoniously in a chair. Her arms were bound up in a straitjacket, beneath which she was shaking with rage.

"Get this thing off me," howled the Rani, struggling with her straitjacket.

"I can, if you promise not to give me any trouble," said Jeremiah. At once, one of the nurses cautiously began to unstrap the patient. "If you do give me trouble, the jacket goes on again and you go into a padded cell under heavy sedation. Is that clear?"

The Rani nodded glumly. She was an attractive woman with a heart-shaped face and long brown hair. He guessed she might be in her late thirties, but with her abnormal physiology, it was impossible to say. She had something of a haughty arrogant look in her eyes. Like the other patients at Arkham Asylum, she had been dressed in green pyjamas and soft foam slippers. She had an ID tag on her wrist.

"I understand you claim to be of a race called the Time Lords and to come from the planet Gallifrey. That is quite an extraordinary claim, Ms. Rani," said Jeremiah.

"You put me throught the humiliation of a medical examination. It should be rather obvious to you that I am not human," she replied.

Jeremiah smiled. "We have a lot of patients hear who have physical abnormalities. Mutations, freaks of nature. It's a leading cause of what is known as 'Gotham Syndrome,' by which people develop delusions of grandeur and don costumes to commit bizarre crimes. Might I suggest that being born with this very distinctive cardiovascular system of yours led you to become convinced that you were an alien from another world?"

"Nonsense. I can assure you that I was born on Gallifrey and have travelled to this world through time and space," insisted the Rani.

This was not getting anywhere. Jeremiah was going to have to shift the focus of this interview.

"If you are from another world, another time, what brought you to Gotham City? I'm sure there were a lot of other times and places you could go," he said.

"Not for pleasure, I can assure you. I came because of one of your former patients, Pamela Islee, better known as Poison Ivy."

"Ah, Pamela," said Jeremiah. "And what is your interest in that most unusual lady?"

"I came across historical records referring to her. Somehow this human came to obtain one of the most unusual physiologies I have come across. She is a stable fusion of plant and mammal biology. The crude tinkering that you would call scientific research somehow created this biochemical oddity. Her value to my own research is immense. Such a biological fusion could mean incredible breakthroughs in bio-engineering. Not that those in your time would have any understanding of such possibilities," said the Rani.

"So you are a scientist, then? How interesting," said Jeremiah. He made a mental note of this. Scientists these days were constantly having freak accidents and turning into monsters and supercrooks. If this woman was indeed a scientist, it only confirmed his suspicion that her abnormalities were a mutation.

"So did you contact Miss Islee?" he asked.

The Rani sneered. "I doubt she would have agreed to come onboard my timeship and become a willing subject of my research. No, I needed to capture her. I did some research. I trawled through the squalor of Gotham's filthiest bars, talking to the lowest dregs of your society."

Jeremiah made a sour expression. "That can't have been a pleasant experience."

The Rani continued. "It discovered that the criminal classes of your city were expecting Poison Ivy to make a move. An English artist, Amelia Ducat was holding an exhibition in Gotham City's art gallery."

Jeremiah nodded. "Ah, yes. Amelia Ducat. Renowned for her paintings of flowers. I can imagine that would peak Miss Islee's interest."

"Everyone who knew Poison Ivy expected her to try to steal the paintings. Some of the near-apes I talked to were hoping that Ivy might be looking for hired help. Others were wary. They expected the mysterious vigilante known as the Batman to try and stop Ivy," explained the Rani.

"He does tend to do that," said Jeremiah.

"A plan formed in my mind. I guessed that if this supposedly amazing crime fighter did intervene, Ivy might be vulnerable after the struggle. I decided to lie in wait at Gotham's art gallery every night, until Ivy made her move and the Batman tried to stop her. I have hunted some of my the most fearsome beasts in the cosmos. I know about stealth tactics."

"Did you encounter Ivy?"

The Rani snarled. "That wretched Batman somehow got wind of my night vigils and got to me first. It was incredible. A black shadow just appeared as if from nowhere. Before I could put up a fight, I was handcuffed to the railing with a note for the police left at my side. Then they brought me here."

"It seems to me that they sent you to the right place. While you are here you will receive a course of therapy for your criminally insane delusions."

"I'm not deluded!" wailed the Rani.

Jeremiah ignored her. "In case you are wondering, the Batman had Poison Ivy brought in here as well after he caught her. Perhaps the two of you will get on."

The Rani jumped up and was about to pounce on the doctor, when the two nurses grabbed her and pulled the straitjacket back on.

"Take her to the rubber room," ordered Jeremiah. "Give her a heavy sedation. She needs it." The Rani was duly dragged away.



"How did you get on with the new patient?" asked Jeremiah's secretary when he returned to his office.

"Quite delusional. Turns out she tried to take on both Poison Ivy and the Batman. These supervillains are getting crazier by the dozen," he said. "What was she wearing when they brought her in?"

"Oh, a red tunic with massive shoulder pads, tight red trousers and big spike-heeled boots," replied his secretary.

"Typical super-crook outfit. And 'the Rani?' What a strange pseudonym. She didn't even look Indian. I am quite sure she will be in our care for a very long time."

Isobel and the Rani, by Matthew Clarke (my fan fiction)

This story answers the question of how the Rani knew about Mel in Time and the Rani.

Isobel Watkins appeared in The Invasion. My story Celebrity Yacht Party introduces this middle-aged version of Isobel Watkins.


St. Tropez, 2003

The Rani did not care much for going to Earth. It always meant disguising herself in local costume and adopting the primitive cultural norms of the many cultures on the wretched planet. However, she needed information badly and this was the place to go.

The Doctor had made so many visits to Earth that he had become and irregular but not unfamiliar presence to its inhabitants. In the twentieth century had emerged the peculiar phenomena of Doctor-watchers, individuals who took an obsessive interest in the person of the mysterious Doctor. Few of them had any accurate information and most of them had the most improbable theories as to the Doctor's identity. Nevertheless, the individual that the Rani was consulting had an advantage over the other Doctor-watchers- she had actually met the Doctor. Isobel Watkins was one of the many humans who had been tangled up in one of the Doctor's tiresome little adventures. Over the years she had maintained contact with the Doctor and had met every one of his incarnations. Whether the Doctor was happy about it or not, she was actually working on the first ever biography of the Time Lord. TARDISes were programmed to avoid out of sequence encounters between Time Lords and so the Rani could be sure that her TARDIS had brought her to a period in which the Doctor's current incarnation had visited most recently. All she needed to do was to charm this human woman into helping her.

The Rani's heavily shoulder-padded tunic and tight trousers were never going to look right in this particular era and so she had instead opted for a red dress. It had to be expensive-looking; the moorings of St. Tropez was the haunt of rich humans who delighted in nothing but flaunting their good fortune. These humans seemed to love money as much as her own people loved power.

When she arrived at Isobel's private yacht, the Rani was met by a member of the crew who instructed her to remove her shoes before coming on board. The Rani slipped out of her stiletto sandals and padded across the gang plank in her large bare feet. She was thankful that in this regeneration she was tall enough to manage without the added lift of her heels. Humans were so precious about their worldly goods. She cared little for the state of her own TARDIS, provided it was functional and sterile.

On the deck she was met by a middle-aged woman with fair hair. She had a healthy tan from enjoying more sun than the average human on this continent. She wore a white dress and like the Rani, was barefoot.

The Rani knew she was expected. She had contacted Isobel via the Internet and had prepared a cover story. "Isobel, I'm Melody Lakeland. I'm delighted to meet you. It was very gracious of you to invite me here," said the Rani.

"The pleasure is all mine, Melody," Isobel replied. "It really is dolly to meet somebody who knows the Doctor well." The Rani was quite unable to place Isobel's nasal accent. Still, she was hardly the expert on human accents.

The Rani handed to Isobel the suitcase she had been carrying. "A present for you," she said. "The robes the Doctor wore when he was at the Prydonian academy." Of course they were no such thing. They were in fact the robes the Rani herself had worn at the academy. How was Isobel to know that the robes had been worn by a cute little girl in pigtails and not a snotty-nosed fair-haired boy? The Rani was rather glad to be rid of the robes; she had no sentiment or nostalgia for her school days.

Isobel seemed overjoyed by the gift. "Oh, that is so dolly! How can I ever thank you. To think these are clothes worn by the Doctor in his childhood. I am being a terrible hostess. You must sit down and have a glass of wine."

The two women sat down to share a bottle of wine. The Rani hated socialising, and she was starting to hate this sentimental fool of a human, but she knew this was necessary to her mission.

"So tell me, Melody," enquired Isobel. "How did you come to know the Doctor so well?"

"It's hard to explain," replied the Rani. "You could say it's a timey wimey thing. I keep bumping into him at different stages of his life. I meet his later incarnations first then I am working my way down. Eventually I will become the Doctor's wife, but this has not actually happened yet. Timey wimey, as I said."

"You become Mrs. Doctor!" exclaimed Isobel. "That is so dolly! How lucky for you! When did the two of you get hitched?"

"It has not actually happened yet. It is part of his timestream, however. You could say we have a non-linear relationship," explained the Rani.

Isobel seemed completely baffled by this, but she was clearly quite excited about it all. This was entirely the Rani's intention. She felt quite pleased with herself for duping Isobel into believing this absurd story. 'Timey wimey non-linear relationship' indeed!

The Rani moved on to the subject of Isobel's biographical research. "Tell me about the book you are writing, Isobel."

"Yes, my biography of the Doctor. I have met all of the Doctor's incarnations- so far, I think. I have spent time with all of them. I have photos, I have interviewed some of the main people he knew on Earth. It is going to be a quite fantastic read. Some of the UNIT stuff was difficult to research, with it being a top secret security organisation. But I had a lot of help on that front from my dolly husband, Dmitri. He used to be a KGB agent, you know," said Isobel.

"I mentioned to you that I was interested in finding out a bit more about the Doctor's current incarnation. The loud one who wears that awful coat. You have met him, I trust?" asked the Rani.

"Yes, I have met him alright. I find him rather dolly. He seems to enjoy attention more than the last one, and I am only too happy to oblige. He seemed quite delighted when I told him about the biography project."

The Rani smiled at this. "I have not met this Doctor yet. I have met all the others. The thing is that I always have to tread carefully when it comes to his fellow travellers. I don't want to make them jealous. I have to keep them on side. It would really help if I could find out as much as possible about who he is travelling with currently."

"Of course. You mentioned to me that this is what you wanted and after you gave me those robes, how could I refuse? I have had several holidays with this Doctor and I spent almost a week with him and his dolly assistant Mel in Paris. I took so many photographs and videos. You can have copies."

Once the material was in the Rani's hands, she wasted little more time. After offering Isobel some pleasantries, she made a quick get-away from the boat and grabbed her shoes.

When she had returned to her TARDIS, the Rani pored over the materials. Contrary to her lies to Isobel, she could only ever meet the Doctor in linear succession. It was the built into the very nature of the Time Lord's travel machines. The last companion to come to Earth would be the one the Doctor was currently with. This Mel creature. The Rani noted her hair, her features and the clothes she wore.

In front of her audio-visual monitor, the Rani imitated the energetic power-walk of Mel. In front of her mirror, she practiced the beaming grin. Again and again she attempted to master the high-pitched nasal voice. Even alone in her TARDIS, it felt humiliating, but nobody could master time and space without tears.

Peri in the Nick, by Matthew Clarke (my fan fiction)

Peri hated the way the Doctor never told her anything. Except perhaps how great he was and how ignorant she was. He had told her they were going to twenty-first century England and that he had important work to do. Then he dragged her to some elaborate laboratory complex. The place had been completely deserted. Apparently this was because it was Good Friday. Like a little boy in a toy shop he had immediately started tinkering away at the hi-tech gadgetry that filled the place. She had asked him what it was he was so interested in, but he was apparently too busy to explain and she had been left to stand around like a spare part as usual. Eventually after she made some very loud sighs, he grew tired of her presence and had suggested she went back to the TARDIS.

As she was walking back to where the TARDIS had been left, a police car suddenly pulled up and she had been bundled inside. Oh brother, she had thought. Whatever it was the Doctor was doing was illegal (should that have been a surprise, she wondered?) and the police had got wind of it.

So here she was. Standing in front of a desk, being booked into police custody on suspicion of breaking and entering, burglary and criminal damage.

The difficult part was giving her personal details. This was apparently twenty four years into her future and so the police were naturally suspicious of her date of birth.

"Let's just say I'm looking good for my age. Anyway, isn't rude to ask a lady how old she is?"

"It's our job to ask you questions, luv," the custody officer replied.

She was surprised how long she took to recall her address back in the States. It had begun to feel like a distant memory or a lost dream. Unfortunately, the cops had to be difficult and they asked her where it was in the UK she was residing.

"I'm staying on the ship I travelled in," hoping this would do.

"And where is your ship docked?" the officer asked.

"I can't remember," she said,realising how futile this all was. The officer put her down as 'No fixed abode,' which was pretty much the truth.

Then the custody officer started asking her a lot of other questions.

"Have you contemplated suicide in the last year?"

"No, but nobody would blame me if I had," she replied. If she were not so exasperated she might have found this funny.

"Have you ever taken drugs?"

"If there were any on the TARDIS, I probably would," she answered.

"TARDIS?" the custody officer queried. "Oh, never mind," she said quickly.

"Have you ever suffered domestic abuse?"

"Well, my friend did try to strangle me," she replied. It was nice to know these English cops cared so much. 'Thanks for nothing,' she thought to herself.

She then had to empty her pockets and place her jewellery on the desk to be stored away. A ring and a necklace from before she met the Doctor and a bracelet that Erimem had given her.

"Take your shoes off, luv," instructed the custody officer.

"What for?" Peri wailed.

"Just so you can't use them as a weapon or cause any damage while you are here," replied the custody officer in a slightly bored tone of voice.

"Do I look like the kind of girl who throws shoes at people?" she asked.

"You don't seem to be in a very good mood, miss. But we ask this of everyone. Take them off, please."

Peri pulled off her high-heeled shoes and slammed them down angrily on the desk. A female officer started to gently pat her down.

She felt like they were treating her like a child.This was definitely the most humiliating experience that the wretched Doctor had got her into. He was going to regret this so much when she had finished with him.

The the Doctor himself appeared. He was handcuffed and being dragged in by two police officers. He was ranting and struggling with his captors.

"Unhand me you ruffian constables," he barked. "This treatment I am receiving is the very antithesis of English hospitality!"

Peri rushed to get his attention. "Doctor! Are you going to get us out of here?" she shouted at him.

"Ah, Peri, yes..." he began to reply, but was instructed to be quiet.

"I want to talk to that man!" she demanded, but the female officer had taken her by the arm and was leading her away. She was frogmarched to the cell, her bare feet slapping against the smooth floor of the custody area.

After being locked in the cell, she banged on the door. She tried kicking it as well, but this just left her with a stubbed toe. She supposed that was why they took her shoes. She gave up and sat down miserably on the bench.

She couldn't help being impressed with how clean the cell was and the presence of a toilet put it considerably above some of the places she had been locked up in.

She was indeed no stranger to getting locked up. It seemed to be part of the routine of travelling with the Doctor. But this was a quite difference. Being captured by space invaders was just something you dealt with, but somehow there was something much more humiliating about being arrested by plain old police officers on earth. It was not what was supposed to happen to nice middle class American girls like her.

These English cops seemed to go to far more trouble than her usual captors. Sontarans and Cybermen just dragged you to the cell and locked you up. They didn't bother asking you lots of questions and making you take your shoes off. It occurred to her it might actually be harder to escape from this police station than from a Sontaran or Cyberman lock-up. Alien monsters never seemed to bother searching her or the Doctor and usually left them something useful they could use to effect an escape. Shut up here in just her clothes and her bare feet, she had a lot less to rely on. Nevertheless, she had every confidence that even divested of the contents of his cavernous pockets, the Doctor would pull off an escape trick somehow.

An officer came to her to ask her if she wanted to talk to a lawyer before she was questioned. She considered the option and then declined. What was the use? If she told some lawyer the truth, it was hardly going to help. It was just as likely to get her sent to some mental institution. She repeated the request to speak to the Doctor, but this was refused. No doubt the cops were hoping they would incriminate each other.

When she was questioned, it was a pretty useless interview for both parties. She knew absolutely nothing that could shed light on the Doctor's activity in the lab. She had expected a Good Cop, Bad Cop routine like she had seen in the movies, but it seemed these English cops just stuck with Good Cop.

"Look, just tell us who your friend is. We know he put you up to it," the detective said.

"If I knew, I'd tell you. He hasn't exactly told me his life story though," she replied. The interview finished rather quickly and she was put back in her cell. When was the Doctor going to get her out of here?

She heard a knocking on the cell door and the shutter was opened. A woman with a nose ring appeared in the hatch. "Hello, I'm from the Drug Intervention Program," the woman said. "I'm just here to ask if you have any drug issues and would like any support."

Peri felt not a little amused at this. These people seemed to be obsessed with drugs! "Well, I was taking Spectrox and had a nasty overdose. I nearly died. But I'm off the stuff now," she replied with a wry smile.

The drug worker tried to pretend she knew about Spectrox. "Well it's great you are off it now. You haven't had any relapses since then?"

"Thankfully not. Now get lost," said Peri. "No problem," the drug worker replied.

'Back to sitting and waiting again,' Peri thought. A bit later, she was brought some sandwiches and a cup of coffee. The sandwich was a little bland, but she was getting rather hungry. 'You don't get coffee when the Sontarans lock you up,' she reminded herself.

Still more time went by. Where was the Doctor? He had to come and get her out of here soon. Was he really finding it that difficult to escape from an English police station in the twenty first century?

She wondered if they had any evidence to charge her. She hoped not. Given she had no address to go to, they would probably put her in jail to await a court hearing. Maybe she should have spoken to a lawyer after all.

More time went by. Then suddenly, she heard a roaring noise and the wall behind her started to glow and then melt. The concrete and brick seemed to turn into sand. Once it had disintegrated completely she saw the Doctor standing with a device shaped a little like a bazooka in his hands. "Sonic blaster," he said "Always does the trick. Now start running!"

Peri sprinted after the Doctor and jumped into the getaway car he had brought along. "Is this car stolen?" she asked. "I suppose I did borrow it without asking," the Doctor replied.

"Well you just make sure you don't get us arrested again!" she said and gave him an angry glare. "How come it you took so long to escape?"

"Escape? I got out of there hours ago. I have been busy at the laboratory. I had to put a stop to those rudimentary experiments in time travel. The people of this time period don't know what they are playing at. As a Time Lord, it's my duty to protect the fabric of the cosmos," he replied.

"Do you mean to tell me, that you escaped out of that police station and just left me there, Doctor? Do you know how that makes me feel?" she growled.

"I needed to get on with my work of putting that laboratory out of action. I thought that was the safest place to leave you. I got you out of there eventually," he protested.

Peri could barely control her rage. "Thanks to you I just lost some very nice jewellery and a good pair of shoes. You know where you are taking me next, Doctor? We are going to go to a really flashy shopping plaza. And you are going to buy some new shoes. And guess what, they are going to be a really expensive pair. You owe me, Doctor!"